CONFESSIONS FROM DRAMA-QUEENS ANONYMOUS

“Oh my God! You would not believe what just happened.”

Nearly every phone conversation begins in that manner; overtly exaggerated with the most dramatic and theatrical effects in forms of wild facial expressions, delirious speaking patterns, frenziedly blinking eyes, hands that go haywire, and totally freaking out. Put on mute, one could pass for an air traffic controller high on cheap drugs ‘ecstasy’. As deranged as it sounds, this is the way I, and many self-proclaimed and closeted drama-queens process and relay information about on-going life events and experiences. We come equipped with expert analysis, behavioral assessments and intelligent hypotheses on suppositional situations that could in effect be based on fact or are emotionally driven garbage concocted in our heads.
Many are quick to say drama queens overreact to minor problems and situation; in fact that’s the disappointing description on an online version of the dictionary. It is highly appalling that such an eloquent, dare I say vividly imaginative culture of women should be so insolently reduced to such a pitiful definition. Breaking a finger nail, growing a pimple the night before a big party, getting a B instead of an A on a semester long research paper and not to mention having a bad hair day are not minor problems. These are major earth shaking catastrophic events of cosmic and seismographic magnitudes that require not just the Marines, but the Queer Eye Fab Five and Joan Rivers to be sent in to assess and possibly find a solution for the situation. This is by no means an overreaction; such situations need as much reaction as possible.
As is best defined by reactions from the audience, where did this anatomical and physiological deviance from normalcy originate. Is it from watching too much daytime soap opera, teenybopper sit-coms and movies or an addiction to Oprah’s talk show; for the less sophisticated of us, Ricky Lake and Jerry Springer. Why is there a need to always have or create so much drama in ones life and shouldn’t all that have ended in high-school, and College for the late bloomers?
The reality is that life in itself is an unscripted drama. If you are religious, you could say that God is the ultimate playwright in this drama, and if that is the consensus, I must add that He is one heck of a writer. William Shakespeare once wrote, “Life is but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon a stage and is heard no more, it’s a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.” I don’t know that I entirely agree with the idiot and nothing part but he couldn’t be more right. And when he writes that "all the world's a stage and all the men and women merely players, they have their exits and their entrances and one man in his time plays many parts, his acts being seven ages,” he hits it right on the money. Life, looking in from the outside is like a play, filled with story lines, of romance, suspense and tragedy, of fortunes and misfortunes we sometimes wish would or would not end. From experience, there is always an attentive audience, that is living vicariously through the chaos and willing to listen to you dramatize and colorfully paint a picturesque of a well-worn act, that appears freshly written every time.
I have never met a drama queen like myself who doesn’t like to have editorial control over her life. Certainly we may blow things out of proportion just a little bit or embellish for effect but this is not done by choice, but rather by necessity. We must protect our kind because we are becoming an endangered species. We love the shining moments in our scripted and perhaps well-rehearsed larger than life melodramatic scenes that could rival Tinsel Town. We get a thrill from looking at things from the big picture, the bigger the drama, the better our day, and in some honesty our self-esteem. If we don’t look at that big picture and assess possible scenarios, chances are we would sink big time, into an abyss of depression, sociopathy or humiliation when confronted with the unscripted reality. Then the dreaded self-criticism, that pathetic hind-sight-is-knowledge proverb, that nagging conscience in the form of a little voice in your head, usually that of your fellow drama-queen co-writer/producer girlfriend saying ‘I told you so’ come to haunt you. Not even normal people want to get to that point. So in essence, what I am saying here is that with out drama queens, we would all be leading the most boring lives; watching sugar ants discoing across the kitchen counter would be the highlight of people’s social life. So when next you see a sister in distress and having a critical drama-queen, not to be mistaken with diva, curtain up moment, pay attention and give her an audience, after which, a standing ovation and a bouquet of flowers or two French-pecks should follow for an awesome performance, even if it was just because a roach scurried across the kitchen floor. To all my fellow drama-queens, a word of encouragement; always put on your best performance for you never know who’s watching. Could be that Hollywood director looking to cast you in his next flick, giving you that big-break a rare gem like you deserves.