Wednesday, August 06, 2008

WHERE IS THE KOKO?

A narration of my D'Banj 'super fanatic' moment

Disclaimer: This write up is purely fiction. A fabricated series of events created by a subconscious being (meaning I had no control or imput) that exists only in my imagination (meaning it is not a real event). Just so you don't get confused, I'd suggest you look up the word 'fiction' in Webster. Some of the 'situations' described all happened while I was in lala land (meaning I was in a state that fits into the following verbs and adjectives: comatose, dormant, drowsy, hypnotic, latent, lethargic, oscitant, phlegmatic, quiescent, sleeping, sleepy, somnifacient, somniferous, somnolent, soporiferous, soporific, yawning...meaning it never really happened even though it seems like it did). I must also add that I don't know D'banj on a personal level, have had physical contact with him only 3 times, all work related, and have never made an attempt to stalk him by showing up at events where he's performing. I happen to just happen to BE there also...for work you know. Even with the 'workfactor' I consciously stay away from 'too much D'Banj sightings' because I don't want to be 'desensitized'. I mean I'ld like to walk into the grocery store and see D'banj, hold my breathe and faint because I've blocked oxygen from my brain. The worst thing that could happen is for me to see D'banj and just be like 'hey dude, wassup'. As the African Michael Jackson, I kinda want him to be scarce so that I can get a high and go gaga when I do run into him. I mean would you really wanna see MJ all the time. No. While I will not hold D'banj in such high esteem as I accord John Legend, I'ld say he's pretty high up there you know. Remember how I bonded with John Legend and sobbed as he sang to me and we made a heart to heart connection and how he lifted me out of the rut of a broken heart? Err well D'banj is not that kind of 'rebound' guy. He's like the 'bad boy rocker dude' that you run off with just to make your ex-boyfriend jealous for breaking up with you. EAT THAT S.O.B!! (aaaagain...I must re-iterate that this is aaallll fiction and this statement is only a metaphor to better describe the image I am conjuring. It's in no way refering to any 'EXs'...work with me guys)Which brings me to the story of the 'Missing Koko'....here goes





One certain weekend, not too long ago, I was going through the blues, locked up in my hole of a room, watching pirated DVD's of 'Army Wives' and 'Girlfriends'. It was also raining cats and dogs and the whole of VI looked like the Atlantic Ocean had taken over. Suffice to say no cats or dogs drowned during the course of the day. Through out the month I had been inaundated with radio hypes, tv promos and an overkill of songs from the Mohits crew and D'banj's new album, The Entertainer. I set my ringtone to 'I'm Hot and u're not...mogbono filly filly..and i had hot amala for dinner." Ya'll know the song.The highlight of all this 'Dbanjmania' was to culminate in a big album lauch weekend at the Eko Hotel Expo Center on July 26th. As fate would unfortunately have it, this would be the same weekend that I was scheduled to be in Chicago for the UNITY conference to get my dose of 'OBAMAQUINE'. Now that just seems like a really tough choice to make. Stay back to see the 'koko wielding musician' or the 'koko stimulating american politician' (the original sense of the word as it were when I was growing up, as in your brain. E.g 'your koko is not correct') but I had to make the choice nonetheless and d'Bama won over the kokomaster (sorry honey). As a super fanatic of the kokomaster and an official kokolette, as chirstianed by a scintiallting stage dance duet, this prospect was rather unsettling for me. I had been looking forward to the new album and seeing another performance of that new hit 'IGWE'. That song sends a frenzy of goosebumps all over my body. I have heard that beat before but only in the very old school of all old school highlife music and here we are in 2008 and it's being rebirthed in a hit by D'banj. I was shocked speechless when I was privy to a sample of the song. Anyways I was going through a very traumatic period and I guess my mental state could not handle it. I was so distraught that I chose not to attend two events where D'banj was going to be present just so that I could 'deal' with 'my issues' and my D'banj seperation anxiety. To make matters even worse, D'banj agreed to be on the morning show the day after I'd already left for Chicago. It doesn't get worse than that does it. So my spirit just could not take the bashing any longer. So I went to sleep a depressed D'banj fanatic. The following just happen to reveal how intense this feeling of disappointed was and a continuation of my 'D'banj misfortunes'. And when I say misfortunes, I mean life cannot get any crueler than this....


Lights, Camera, Action!!! I found myself in the middle of so much commotion. Fans and frenzied photographers clicking away and screaming on the otherside of the red velvet rope. I couldn't make out what they were saying but they were screaming and to my shock and dismay I was on the red carpet in the middle of all the chaos. If you know me you'll know how much I dread those 'pseudo-celebrity' things and you can imagine the fear that engulfed me as I stood there blinded by the lights and not sure where to go or what to do. Then all of a sudden here comes D'banj dressed in a very sharp designer pinstripe suit, looking like he just stepped out of GQ or may be MODE or is it MADE? Ofcourse he had his sunglasses on and this time for some reason, Don Jazzy who's always with him, had a gold 'PIMP CUP' instead of his walking stick. Hmh...odd. So there I was standing in the middle of the wolves and D'banj, like a knight in shining armor heroicly holds my hand and briskly whisks me away from all the paparazzi nonsense into what seemed like a white Bentley ( 9ce are you sure it ain't yours). Then just like Princes Di and Dodi, Brad and Angelina, we were chased down by the paparazzi as Don Jazzy who was in the driver's seat tried to avoid them all (I have to say I have been watching too many movies and music videos). Throughout all of this I could sense a big cloud of fear and danger. Then some how we were able to cut off the paparazzi and found ourselves having dinner at a nice fancy ritzy restaurant. Now it looked like it was Jade Palace with a nicer News Cafe like front (Paris/ Hollywood restaurant style setting with a clear glass screen so you could look in). Apparently we were on a date. Yes indeed we were and we were having red wine and pasta alfredo, my favorite, but thinking about it, it could have just been indomie noodles. Sadly our dumb asses decided to sit right infront of the glass screen (as if we had any control over that really). Then the worst happened. We were spotted and the paparazzi frenzy continued. We had to scurry out of the restaurant, again with our huge dark black sunglasses. For some reason the huge dark sunglasses were very important. This time D'banj gave me his jacket to cover my face. By this time it was clear and there was no doubt that we were dating and were trying to avoid the paparazzi. This idea being highly laughable. Not saying that either of us is unworthy in any way (actually I should shame the devil and admit that I am because his celebritiness is like about to cause a mechanical malfunction on the super-star size-o-meter), but seriously, the picture deserves a great big ROTF&LMAO. Anyways the next scene was infront of what looked like a beach, may be Ocean View or Eko Hotel or something but there was an ocean in the picture. It was at night and it seemed like there was a party and friends, family and the Mohits Crew were all over the place. But you just can't believe that this was apparently a wedding, between me and Dbanj. Indeed it was and again I had no control over this and even though I am not making this up myself, my brain actually was. When I told my friend about this he was like if I had this dream in Chapel Hill it would be something to have a good laugh over but considering that I had it in Nigeria AND infront of an ocean (lol) I needed to be concerned that it was not a spiritual attack. You know, that Papa Wata had taken the form of D'banj to marry me...some bullshit like that. Even though I don't believe in all that I still prayed and covered myself and my home in the blood of Jesus. But back to the story o. So D'banj and I exchanged nuptials and proceeded to walk down the aisle on a red carpet to the flashing paparazzi. All the tabloids including 'People Magazine' (all the way in Americas grocery stores) had a picture of us on the cover. The one in People magazine was the 'classic' wedding picture. D'banj with one leg out the car door like he was about to come out and then me in a demur chantilly lace cathedral style wedding dress in the back, both of us, again, with the huge black hollywood specs and confetti all over the place. The caption 'DBANJURE HITCHED'. This 'psychoness' does not end here. I know I am putting my rep on the spot and you may never see me that same way again and I may never look at another D'banj video the same way again. I may never even 'SEE' D'banj again and might even get a restraininng order against me but this stuff is too freaking funny to pass up blogging about and keeping to myself. I swear I tried but I have been bursting by ribs just holding it all in. I have told all my family members and close friends and they got a great laugh as I dramatized this to them so ya'll can also have this good laugh on me...it's ok.

So the magazine stands were filled with the 'DBANJURE' People magazine cover in Baby Blue and Pink. Access Hollywood, The Insider and Entertainment Tonight (tabloid magazine shows on american tv) all had the 'DBANJURE' wedding as their cover story. Nacy O'dell, Billy Bush and co were reporting the story. It was all happening like a flash. All of this before we had even gotten to the hotel to begin our honeymoon and consumate the marriage. Get ready for it...

So that night it was time to 'do the do'. Apparently we had not gotten to 3rd base in our relationship (because apparently we both believed in waiting till the wedding night). I use apparently alot because there's supposed to be a number of underlying moral lessons in this whole thing. So we found ourselves in some bollywood style luxury hotel suite. When I say Bollywood I mean it was straight up decorated with red and yellow carnation and garlands. By now we were dressed in Indian wedding garb while in the room. Dbanj sat across from me holding my hands and professing his love as we stared lovingly into each others eyes like rabbits. Our hearts going 'duh dum duh dum'. We were both nervous and waiting for someone to make the first move. I mean this is the Kokomaster himslef and I am getting married to him. He is about to whip out the 'anaconda' that he's been singing about all this while and because he was on the absitinence tip it was a special 'unveiling' of the koko. All this while though I had been wondering why he wasn't making the first move now, considering he's the sexiest super star in Nigeria oozing of all kinds of sex appeal. So I decided to take charge, taking off his shirt and revealing his ripped and chiseled abs. Then he lay on the bed with his hands under his head and a sinister grin on his face that told me I was in for a BIG SURPRISE. Indeed I was as I reached down for the jewels, the almighty Koko. At that point I might have had a heart attack and just didn't realize it (duh you were sleeping through it) as I made a shocking discovery. There I was with the sexiest nigerian entertainer alive who sold his sexuality along with his music, gyrating on stage, threatening to come through with his 'anaconda' and creating all sorts of sexual innuendos. Just the thought of him made girls go gaga and here I was in my subconscious where even though I had no control, my inhibitions could have taken over and created the newest and hottest edition of 'Mills and Boons: Jungle Series' with me and Dbanj as the star characters. The title, 'Anaconda' perhaps. But no that's not what happened as I reached down to touch the koko. I felt something hard alright but at the same time I felt NOTHING, NADDA, ZILCH. I looked up at Dbanj, perplexxed. He still had that sinister grin accross his face. By now I am scared to death and I turn on the lights and tear his pants off to see if what I felt was real. It was real alright, REAL PLASTIC. As in a Ken Doll. There was no KOKO. Dbanj was a eunuch and by now his abs also seemed so plastic that it dawned on me that I was with a life size Mattel version of D'banj, complete with a goatie, shiny black hair and white pants (An Idea for Dbanj, you have to get your own 'KokoMaster DOLL' seriously dude...and no one should steal this idea EXCEPT D'banj). Then all of a sudden this lifesize D'banj doll gets up and starts to sing one of his hits 'Where is the Koko, Pass the Koko, I need the Koko". OMG!!! I was so tormented and scared to death that just as he broke into the part of that song where he goes 'Kokolette 1,2 in my room 3.4" I woke up from my sleep soaked in sweat and heavy eyed because apparently I had been crying in my sleep because I had been BAMBOOZLED into marrying D'banj. I was all panicky for a bit not sure why I felt strange when I woke up. It wasn't until late that evening as I was renarrating to my sister's friend, after telling my sisters, this wierd dream that I had that I really recalled the whole story and started laughing my head off. Boy is this bizzare or what. I know there are some of you dream readers and interpreters out there who can shed light on this silliness. But for the purpose of entertainment and 'self improvement' analysis, is there something else going on that I should be paying attention to. There's so much going on here and I just think Dbanj was just the closest thing my subconscience could latch unto, even though I think this is really all stemming from the Dbanj album launch overkill. I mean seriously there was just a bit too much hype about the album and it is indeed fabulous, but it drove me nuts as evidenced by this write up. Then I also think with a number of weddings coming up, people getting engaged and the fact that I do try to keep to myself, staying inconspicuous when I can help it, my brain must have jumbled a few facts and created this hilarity of a dream. Anyways was this as funny or just plain wacko? Your thoughts...

Enjoy this selection of Dbanj Hits and see why we're all crazy about him...















12 comments:

pamela said...

it is official - you have lost it!

pamela said...

lol!

Uzo said...

LOL...i AM AT WORK AND CACKLING SO LOUD PEOPLE THINK I AM CRAZY....

Where do i start? I am officially a fan now and as a huge music lover, mad impressed with the highlife tones of Igwe and the instrumentals...I love track 7 - Fall in love with the jazz bridge and south african style harmonizing...

Anyway..on to this story...Getting married, the koko master practising abstinence, you in a dress with a cathedral train, sunglasses all the way, Nancy O'Dell, him being a eunuch? LOL...Be still my beating heart...

Well done...but after watching these videos..i swear i need to have a conversation with this man oh...emm...although i might be dumbstruck...

oachumba said...

lol sista!!..i always knew there was a problem somewhere...well josephina, hope u r awake now.
nowadays sha dreams do come true!

kulutempa said...

this is as funny or even funnier than it was the first time i heard it - i'm going to get matthew to read it! as you come dey fire bullet join, i think i have officially died of laughter and risen again!

meanwhile, why is it easier to believe in juju in africa than in america? is the potency/existence of juju directly correlated to the number of people who believe in it?!

nize wan!

Ifeoma-adiagwuagwu said...

Adaure, i am really having a huge in quote ROTF&LMAO. Not to worry... "and dreams can come true, look @ me babe if i were u, u know u gat to be strong...." sthg like that. remember the tune? lovely write up tho..oh i wish it didn't end, that it went on & on & on, anyway...the video will do...lol

Pretty makes the day go faster said...

Oh my. Im so happy I came to your blog today..I needed to laugh and this is hilarious!

Bub├ętos said...

Ada nwanne m,
do you realize exactly a year ago, your post was also about Kokorising...hmm..something aint right, or is it..you decide..

Chari said...

hmmmn....the very height of err...u knw what...this one donpass groupie stuvvins o...

theicequeen said...

omg!!! whadup with the coincidence naw? my latest post is like 100% d'banj influenced!!!!

this post sha long o! lemme settle down and read....

BabaAlaye said...

You define Nuts

nonye said...

OMG! You are so funny. I took a break from reviewing one of the most complicated documents ever to read this despite the fact that I am supposed to be having a meeting soon. All I can say is if my boss cusses me out for not delivering faster, it will be worth it!

Cant say I am surprised though, met you at a wedding once and the way you were hopping around to Dbanj on your stilts had me in awe!