CONFESSIONS OF A WEDDING CRASHER

DIGRESSION FROM THE ABOVE TOPIC
HOMEWRECKER AND HEART BREAKER ALERT

So I wrote this post below 4 days ago but didn't post it because I needed to flesh it out. But I just saw something that really made it too relevant to continue fleshing out. Right about now I am just plain MAD, LIVID and to think that I got scooped by a fellow naija sista. Men you've gotta keep these women away from you man. And to think she's another skinny biatch too. Gawd I hate skinny women... they are EVIL!!!! EVVVVEEEEEIIIILLLLL!!!!
So today I was minding my business and I decide to check out the 'new chick on the blog' Miss Bella Naija. How about I saw some model chick hugging up all over my man, John Legend. Then reading further, I see that they are dating and ya'll said he was GAY? ARRGGGHHH!!! Take a knife and just chop, chop, chop my heart up into tiny peices and feed it to the alligators. Why can't these women leave my men alone. And why can't I keep a man, not even in my fantasy, that's gotta be a problem. Once bitten, Twice shy, but three times...that's it.. I am gay from now on. By the way Bella good looking out sistuh gurl. He thought because he was on the other side of town doing the dirt he do, that i don't have to know huh. OMG!!! I am so having a fit right now. I don't think I can listen to his cd anymore. Not after the betrayal....awwwww the heart ache....Why Me!!!! I am a scorned woman now that I've been jilted by John Legend. Awww just take a look at them... they're so cute they make me sick.
Urgh I am going barf out all the gummi bears I have been eating now. Thanks a lot Tayo.... Thanks for NOOOTHING!!!! Awwww my days....I can't take it any more. I CANT'T TAKE IT !!!!!!!!!!! I am going to cry my eyes out till blood starts coming out. By the way Johny you'll be back singing track #6 "You can't say I don't love you just becos I cheated on you." By then you'ld have lost your chance to Shemar Moore. Ya'll enjoy this picture while it is up because I will not promote this asunder. URGH... I just wanna pull her hair!

BACK TO THE REAL TOPIC


JXL/JEL FACTOR

With the recent wave of strictly by invitation weddings, the lifestyle of a certain category of people has been suffering. We all know them, the wedidng crashers. We all know ourselves, we've been that person at one point or the other. In fact it is a normal practice that comes with the territory of just being Nigerian. We love to party and how can you prevent us from doing that just in the name of privacy or 'preeveecee' as our colomasters and victorian nigerians (what an oxymoron) call it. By the way what would the throngs of beautiful and some times vain single Nigerian ladies do for fun on a Saturday. Sometimes these things are just an outlet for us to exercise our vices. We also know weddings are the best places to be seen and 'scoped out'. Why else do you think there are more ladies at weddings. They were not all asked to be in the Ashoebi group you know. Some just join in because they are a friend of a friend of a friend of the bride or because the lace or ankara is fine and they have to rock along.
Then there are the ones who happen upon the wedding and just decide to branch in as they would to a relatives house. Then there are the ones who just go to witness the occasion so that they can relay the information in form of gisting.
But the term wedding crasher can also mean something very different. There are some guests that can be a major headache for the couple. These guests are the ones that cause the bride to just start weeping because they are about to crash this lifelong awaited event with their nasty attitudes and bad belle.
For example the unfriendly looking mother/aunty-in-law-to-be who's sitting in the front pew rolling her eyes at the bride-to-be. We all know that she is pissed off because her only son/nephew decided to marry a girl from another tribe. Not to mention that the girl likes the finers things so automatically she has come to chop all his money before they get to enjoy the fruit of their labour. God save this bride if she doesn't kneel to feed her husband the cake. You may just have armed the battalion of mean aunties with battle ammo for the entire duration of the marriage.
Then you have the father-in-law-to-be who is gnashing his teeth, wishing for a double barrel and saying to himself, 'But for Jesus....' Poor groom got on dad's bad side for impregnating his little girl. Now she is waddling down the aisle in an Ivory colored dress instead of white. Not to mention the aunty that you have relieved off all aunty duties because of her cacophonic behaviour but didn't tell her. And you are surprised that she beat up the cook over a bowl of peppersoup. I will not reveal which situation happened in my family but ya'll know your family ain't full of saints.

However one particular set of wedding crashers brings in more misery, panic and the chilling effect of the northern harmattan wind as the Jilted or Jealous Ex-Lover. This what I call the JXL or the JEL factor also know as the 'EX-Factor Reloaded'. This character is worse when it is a scorned angry woman(see Addy vs Tayo Otiti above). Sometimes the jilted or the Ex is not always jealous and have come to terms with the divine destiny that they are about to witness. But the jealous one is another story and I have been hearing some stories. Well let me give you the gist.
So one Amaka babe like that was dating one Chinedu bloke like that. Things were not going so they broke up. Amaka was either still licking her wound or just recovering from the relationship and adjusting to her new life of singledom. When her friend tells her that her ex boyfriend Chinedu who she dated for some odd years was getting married only 6 months after they broke up. Hmh...knowing and calculating all the investments that she made, need I say more about how Amaka feels.
Then there was one Emeka bloke like that who is loving one Nkechi babe like that. This bloke is quoting Shakespeare, wining and dining this babe. He has even name all the 5 children that she will have for him. Babe tells bloke she is going to do NYSC in Lagos and is gone for a few weeks with no word. Next thing a letter comes in the mail with an invitation to his best friends wedding and a letter from Nkechi inside that begins, "Dear Emmy, I am sorry but...doxology". Hmh...I imagine Emeka was not popping bubblies for his 'friends'.
Depending on the demure of Amaka and Emeka and their proximity to the precious bleeding side of the Lamb, there is every probability that someone could be rushed to the hospital for some 'Veeky and Sunita' type reconstructive surgery after an acid bath or bundled away half naked in a black maria. My people na tori i dey 'intaprint'
Being the 'Amebo' that I am, as I learned from the local police chief, when I go to some weddings, I try to peek in the crowd and guess who could fall under this category. You may be able to tell by the look on their faces and their body language, especially when the priest utters that favorite sentence, 'Who here says we should not join these two together, speak now or forever hold your peace'. With all the sneezing and coughing that goes on like a choir on cue, one would think everyone just suddenly came down with the Flu. God forbid that all the fine fine babes start getting up at that moment to excuse themselves to the toilet...Ginika, Yeside, Halimat, Ekaite and Ejiro. Let's not even talk about the Iyabos and Ngozis, correct area skata type girls that get up and say, "Your lordship I have a confession to make," as if they are in court. "I have evidence to show why the groom and the bride should not be united in Holy matrimony..." At this point the story can either be, they did the hump the night before or that he abandonded his real wife to go to school in America only to return with another woman. My people na tori o.

Anyways I have just been seeing and enjoying all the wedding websites and as one of my colorful commentators in the comment section, 'Parazone Super Bleach' pointed out, I imagine there are quite a number of wedding-crashers-to-be out there. Girls that don't appreciate being the girl before te ring, brodas that are saying damn why didn't I just do it then. Don't worry sistahs and brodas, you are not alone, I can relate. Some of you are looking and browsing and saying, 'What the freaking hell, how could he/she' but you just carry on like a bigger chick/bloke, unphased like nothing is up. Who are you fooling. You know you really want to vent and rain a tirade of abuses. You know that even if you were probably going to say a big fat NO, you wanted the opportunity to say NO. It just sounds better that way when it comes time to re-telling the story. SOme of you are saying Urgh.. that cheeky basket got one over me this time. But that's cool though, that's life. Can't win 'em all. In fact good riddiance to bad rubbish, he/she was cramping my style anyways and they even fit each other.
However, the question of whether to crash or not continues to pang inside your head. If you don't show they will say you are still bitter and hating. If you show they might say you just came to do bad belle. Some say you have to go looking hotter than Halle Berry, Agbani, Bianca Ojukwu and Modupe Ozolua combined in one Deola Sagoe package and stare the groom down like "I know what you did last summer." (Guys I dunno what you can equate to that)Especially if you didn't get an invitation. Others say why the heck do you want to put yourself through such emotional trauma and what will that prove.
So that basically means that I may not be going to John and Tayo's wedding because I will straight up rip that veil out of her head and jump her. I can manage it if he left with a caucasian girl or an african american, but another Nigerian girl THAT I AM WAY WAY CUTER THAN!!! URGH Johny c'mon now. No hating just keeping it real.. ok... I HATE HER!!!!! I am going to go sleep now and wake up and see it's all a dream, a very bad bad dream. What do you think, I'ld be smiling and saying 'Cogratulations J and T'? Awwww heeeelllll naaaaaa!!!!! I already picked the names of our kids.