Monday, January 30, 2006


Why Do Nigerian Men Feel the Need to Lie

(Before I get into all that, can someone explain to me why a common gallon of orange juice is $7 in Santa Maria and why a bag of Lays potato chips is $3.50? Is it beans? Guess I'll be drinking a lot of water or do it the Ribena way... one cup or Orange Juice to 3 parts of

DISCLAIMER: What you are about to read below is a partly embellished allegorical allusion to some certain reality. Any resemblance to a real person is purely coincidental. Do not take every characterization literarily as they are by no means an accurate reflection of the writer or the characterized muses. Think of James Frey... you dig. Good. Enjoy the write up because I aint talking about 'men' again.

Ok getting straight to the point. I have been 'bit' twice and now I'm 'shyed' and 'shamed'. It really hurts to have your intelligence challenged and your vulnerability proded. Just when I thought I was getting over my trust issues (which I now admit I have) I get hit with another jolting bolt of the reality that is dating nigerian men. Is there some training manual that is being passed around to each of them, because I need to get my hands on one. Why do they all feel the need to lie? Why is it neccessary to concoct and contrive such elaborately schemed stories? Why put all that energy into fabricating a fabulous fib, when the truth is simple and can only set you free? Why do they think their lies will always hold water and never fall apart or be exposed? Why do I always find myself playing the same part in the same script? Why? Why? WHY?

I understand that ya'll want to eat your cake and have it while you sow your oats. That's all good and gravy with me. But please take a cue from the older Nigerian men who wrote the script themselves.... the governors, the senators, the alhajis, the chief-chief's, the otunbas, the Baba Risika's and Papa Nkechi's etc. The men who fit these profiles are usually married with children. The first point of protocol is to make the lady friend, usually of the 20 something Moremi-Hall stock found at Unilag, aware that they will not under any circumstance leave the wife and kids. They don't just tell the girl they are married, but they make it clear they will not leave their family... you can be an addition to that family as junior or trophy wife, or the one that will bear a son, but there's no subtraction. trust nigerian girls who like awoof to be all over that deal because the immediate profits far out weigh the and cons. They agree to this arrangement and the girl even artfully helps the client dodge his wife. They are partners in this deceit. Together they work to fly under the radar. Not that I support this, but the relationship has been clarified and each party know what to to expect going in.

Now why my young nigerian men want to rewrite the rules by dating/courting multiple women and lieing to each and everyone of them is a wonder to me. Playing with people's hearts and emotions is very dangerous, especially when you are not telling them what's really up. Despite my limited dating experience, I have been in that situation, shall I say twice and I don't want to revisit it by recanting because they have been reconciled and we've all moved on and learnt from our experiences. But recently the ugly s#!+ poked its head up again. But better now that later on when I have invested too much Sprint minutes and Cinderella day dreaming into the relationship. Just found out that some dude I have been pillow-prattling (means laughing and talking on the phone late into the night) with and actually started taking a liking to has told me some elaborate lies in his bid to make me feel he really really is 'in to me.' As in I was kinda like, abeg chill out, it is not that serious, we've just started talking and I don't know you like that yet. But I just found out by 'slip of someone's tongue' that ol'boy has a chick that he's been tripping all over the place. He'd told me he was single and was heartbroken from a previous relationship.. blah blah blah.. typical sob story. I don't want to get into the details of the elaborate story so not to identify the perosn, but it's just disappointing and depressing.

As in just tell me from the get that even though you have a girl, you just want to 'test the waters' and see what kind of fish you can catch. I can handle that, afterall we are 'fishers-of-men' and it's a competition these days to find a good nigerian man anyway. Tell me that you are having issues with your girl friend and you need an outlet. I can handle that, after all we all need a little jolt of excitement to spice up some romance in a dying relationship. Tell me you want to have an affair, as in a 'don't get it twisted, it's only sex' kinda thing or that you want me to be your baby mama or some cow-dung like that. I can handle that, in fact it's half-flattery that you think of me in that way. Just tell the freaking truth, which is the fact that you are into me for the boobies and the booty and not the beauty or the brains. I definitely wont gel for you after knowing all of the above, but I will respect you for your honesty. My self esteem and confidence are top notch and intact, and guess what, I can handle the truth. I probably can handle that news better than if you learnt that I was just into the papers in your pockets than I was in the parcel you carry in your pants or that you are not the only one around to cover the bases you missed, if you feel my drift. (But that is not to say that I'm a gold-digger.)

Plus what makes ya'll think that while you are out there triffling around, that we're not going to be doing the same. Actually, that's what the problem is because we probably won't. The fact that ya'll know that many of us were brought up well and don't mess around even if we threaten to do so is what seems to be empowering. You take that for granted. You know what we want to hear and that's what you tell us. You know that deep down, no matter how much 'shakara' and 'ako' we do, that we truly are digging you and that sometimes clouds our judgement. But honey no more clouds here, not even the ozone layer.

I love my naija men, but please, biko, don't profess your undying love and affection to me, mess with my head, my heart and soul, lead me into fantasizing about partaking in carnal affinity with you only to find out it's all a great big fib. All that heart ache is totally unneccessary and not worth the trouble. That stuff is majorly annoying especially for someone like me who takes romance and matters of the heart very serious if not more seriously than many.
If you are not ready to fess up and come clean on everything please don't even try to holler. If you know that you are the type that leans towards polygamy then stay as far away from me as possible. If telling the truth hurts, by all means lie, but just NOT next to me. Just tell the truth and save the drama for your momma.


Adaobi said...

Gurl, your business is all over the internet. I understand the need to get on a soap box about your affairs, but you have got quite a bit of needless details on here.

On a more serious note, I agree with you about Nigerian men. I started dating a haitian guy when I moved to Nashville last fall.

Carnal affinity ? that was too funny:-)

Nneka's World said...

Are you sure we are not drinking the same water ada? Cause i thought i was the only one that noticed this trend in the new "breed" of nigerian men- the lying breed.

Eya my dear i know how it feels, especially in the beginning when you have resisted so much then he says something and a part of your wall crumbles and you actually start to like them, then you get so mad and pissed off when you find out that it was LIES.

If you think they are bad there, here in the UK, many nigerian girls are fed up with the Uk nigerian men and have started looking elsewhere, due to the lies and deceit that emanates from them. They are a few good ones but they are taken.
The funny thing is that we always fall for the same lies cause lets face it they have sweet mouth!
I cant stand a man who will lie to me to make me like him, infact it does my HEAD IN!!!!
So ada, if you can beat 'em you join 'em

Adaure said...

@ada... just added the disclaimer and a few side bars so that you and folks are not confused.

@Nneka.. I tried to join and play the game oh but that thing scattered in my face and I've decided to surrender to fate.

Monef said...

You totally captured the mood of most naija girls I know, even those who have one of the so called decent men. You just never know do you?!

teatylawla said...

preach on sista..preach on..i really enjoyed the read.

Anonymous said...

Plus what makes ya'll think that while you are out there triffling around, that we're not going to be doing the same. Actually, that's what the problem is because we probably won't.

I love this part.. Nne, u just hit the hammer right on the nail!!!

My dear believe it or not 3 out of every 5 naija gurls has gone thru thesame expreience and it's VERY annoying! I'm now crossing cultures if that's what i have to do to save my sanity cos i can't deal with trifling individuals that think i can't handle the truth.

SSWiwa said...

na wa o...e be like say all of us don tire for all this drama. what does this mean for the future of nigeria? oh, wait a minute...we have no future. carry on sistas! i'm already leading the pack: strictly white boys from now on; not even going to pretend anymore that these dudu men are going to do or say what i really need in life.

Anonymous said...

Obviously this guy did not know you had a secret (actually, not so secret) weapon. If only poor guy knew you kept a blog and would put him on blast.... chei mama biko o!!

I would think twice about dating a blogger. Though I probably would lie, even deny my mama just to get a piece...

It's not my fault, man is wired to do/ say almost anything to get that....

I am not a hater, love your blog, just my two cents.

Adaure said...

@monef... yeah gurl i've heard the same from many surely just never know... even the ones that are the Lord always find a way to fall right back into the pack.

@ anon... for real it is annoying. The truth may not be pleasant, plead the 5th if you have to do so. But then again those lies are sometimes music to the ears.

@SSwiwa.... my sister ask me o...our country is done-for. I thought it was only presidents and polititians and their 'chukwumerijes'(Public Information Secretaries) that can turn black into white. For real I am looking into the 'vanilla' option. Either that or the truth telling naija man has to come and find me on his own because I aint putting no more effort past staying fine.

@Anon... most guys i talked to were/are in the know about my blogging and writing. I have been keeping a web journal for a while now. I just made it a rule never to bluntly write about my personal relationships (i only do it with metaphors...only people close to me or parties involved would be a ble to decipher the codes) But I guess rules are made to be broken. So liars and heart breakers beware, if you lie to me or break my heart you stand the chances of getting 'wrote' about.

nneka in michigan said...

nwanyi, i am so glad that you wrote this bcos i was just lied to on early saturday morning as well and that ended the relationship. Nwannem, i am so tired of this deceitfulness. my mom told me to forget these low-life fools and start dating the vanilla brothers @ least they treat a woman just right. You know what i'm saying!!!!

LondonBuki said...

I just felt the need to drop a line... I don't think it is a question that can ever be answered... Like someone said, here in the UK, girls have given up on Nig guys over here (not completely though) they have started dating Nig guys in Nigeria or somewhere long distance with the idea that those ones are better... I think "boys will be boys" and the "new breed" is the same no matter the location... I know I haven't answered your question(s) but I just wanted to share my thoughts.

Anonymous said...

Put that azz on Blast. No need for hidden identities and such. Nigerian women should collectively come up with their NAMES DATABASE so we know NOT2DATEHIM.COM! Trash!
Yes, me too I think I had a dream of whitey last night..

*btw* the database should also have a STAYAWAYHE'SGAY link. Open eye dem full gorund!

Just Thinking Out Loud! said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Just Thinking Out Loud! said...

Wow! Na wa o! That was some deeply passionate entry.

Whatever you are talking about is quite a trend among all men, period. Nyja or America, WHite or Green! Same thing. I think it takes a higher power (call it God if you like it) controlling a man's ethics for him to stay faithful. That is what I have concluded from experience and most of all, from what I have seen among fellow guys.

Just be careful when you are talking to guy. That's my advice to any woman. Make sure your rational mind is in full throttle no matter how emotional you get involved with a guy. That way, you can ja as soon as you find out he's lying.

Also, another conclusion I have come to, is, many times, WOMEN MAKE UP THEIR OWN TRUTH NO MATTER WHAT THE REAL TRUTH IS.

Just my tiny 2 cents!

tout noir said...

Nigerian men did not start lying today. The so-called old-school men you mentioned are only able to confess that they are already married because back home, polygamy is tolerated (and a lot of those Moremi girls are desperate for their money).

Nigerian men lie because our cultural construction of gender roles make it possible - and even permit it. The men are the "chasers", they are the ones supposed to be in control. This cultural expectation creates a power structure that disadvantages women when it comes to romance. Yes, women may enjoy the gifts he buys you or the meals he pays for at fancy restaurants but in the long run, they leave the keys to the relationship in his hands and he takes advantage of the situation.

Perhaps if more guys lost the true loves of their lives to their lying ways, they'll learn. Perhaps if more women started taking control early in the relationship, laying down rules etc... they will stop being victims.

Much love...

It's your boi...


Adaure said...

@Nne in Mich... i'm sorry to hear that, but look on the bright side. as always, it's his loss. Plus it's a happy crowd here because we grow and blossom from experience.

@Oju81.. you are right boys will always be boys... add chauvinist, patriachal and misogynist (for those B word using ones who feel women are to be 'had' and 'conquered')to that and if they are nigerian add Lord and Master and slave But that's why we pray for God to deliver one packaged and ordained.

@Anon.... that's not neccessary at all. It's the same as showing up at their weddings and making a scene (which i'ld love to do but darn i'll be happily married by then to care)

@JTOL...Yes oh.. i had to take it there... maybe if ya'll Naija guys read this and see how much ya'll are hurting your beautiful naija sisters whose only crime was falling in love and showing ya'll love, ya'll might decide to turn over a new leaf... but i highly doubt that'll be happening anytime soon. But you are right though, we have to be more vigilant and guard our hearts...I need to learn how to do that because when I really like someone hiding and playing mind games doesn't work. About women making up their own truth...that's because we have to assume that every thing is a lie or a half truth and back track from there till we hit the truth. It all boils down to trust and most of the time the men are 'untrustable'

@ToutNoir....PREACH ON in can you be my 'Anthony' (Charlotte's gay friend from Sex and the City) or 'Ronnie' (Maya's cousin on Girlfriends). You hit the nail so hard that the head 'bursted' into pieces. Right mow dudes seem to be caught up in the high of skirt chasing that that reality of how major the loss is doesn't hit right away, but it will soon and guess what it'll be too darn late. On the victim part.. I doubt it's about laying down the rules... no matter how much rules you lay and how much iron lady, sharon stone and 'i run the show' you pull, the thing is that you don't know whether and when you are a victim because these men are 'smooth operators'.

Anyways all these comments are interesting. Please keep them rolling in. I'ld especially want to hear from more men on what the psychology is behind the 'red' and 'white' lies.... school me abeg because the next attempt has to be the right one and i gotta go in well armed with some 'street cred'without hitting the street corner. Lol

Yetty said...

First of all we need to get you away from THOSE kind of men. Second of all most men lie heck it's natural. One once wooed me until I found out his ass was engaged omo I cut him off like a morasucker..Luckily I played nice not tripping nice but I'm too busy for u kinda noice so I was able to let go better than if I had actually started digging him badly. But I was mad I feel ur pain babz..just don't let it stop u from really getting to know the good ones amongst themm.. Me I have taken a break form naija mehn I don branch over to other parts of Africa :p

chris said...

nice blog!!!

Anonymous said...

i feel you adaure,but lets not make the misatake that its just naija men o.
as a bonafide member of the crosscultural dating sect(yes..ive dated all of them,oyinbo,mixedrace,latino,hispanic,french carribean,etc etc..and truth is all men lie,no matter what shade their skin color is or where they are from)its just a matter of knowing how to weed out the suckers from the real men,and praying seriously that we dont fall into the hands of an "oloriburuku" of a man.
because believe me,men a rug in fact.

Oma82 said...

Hmmmm.Thank God o. I was beginning to think I was the only one who was fed up with this muthas who think they're doing you a favor by dating you. I've been mulling over this distastefultrend and 2 truths hit me :1)ITS A MAN'S WORLD,(2) ALL MEN LIE, end of story!!!The s**ttiest son of a gun out there still manages to get the girl he wants PLUS cheat on her with another, and another, and another.....

Addy, I feel you girl. Make we see where this nonsense behavior will carry them to

Bliss said...

one thing that remained the same despite your variations in our short association is your tall tales to be nice to me(LIKE U KNOW WHAT IT MEANS)but like virgin air hitting the right spot was your major objective and now you must be feeling a feet taller(not that it would ever show but who knows..)
what you've just read is excerpts from a mail waiting to be sent to a chronic pathological gpy, who like a boil grew on me. so Addy i've been there and know what it is to realise that a guy was just not into you.
i am begining to belive that good men are extinct or what do you think?

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