LIAR LIAR PANTS ON FIRE

Why Do Nigerian Men Feel the Need to Lie

(Before I get into all that, can someone explain to me why a common gallon of orange juice is $7 in Santa Maria and why a bag of Lays potato chips is $3.50? Is it beans? Guess I'll be drinking a lot of water or do it the Ribena way... one cup or Orange Juice to 3 parts of Water....lol)

DISCLAIMER: What you are about to read below is a partly embellished allegorical allusion to some certain reality. Any resemblance to a real person is purely coincidental. Do not take every characterization literarily as they are by no means an accurate reflection of the writer or the characterized muses. Think of James Frey... you dig. Good. Enjoy the write up because I aint talking about 'men' again.

Ok getting straight to the point. I have been 'bit' twice and now I'm 'shyed' and 'shamed'. It really hurts to have your intelligence challenged and your vulnerability proded. Just when I thought I was getting over my trust issues (which I now admit I have) I get hit with another jolting bolt of the reality that is dating nigerian men. Is there some training manual that is being passed around to each of them, because I need to get my hands on one. Why do they all feel the need to lie? Why is it neccessary to concoct and contrive such elaborately schemed stories? Why put all that energy into fabricating a fabulous fib, when the truth is simple and can only set you free? Why do they think their lies will always hold water and never fall apart or be exposed? Why do I always find myself playing the same part in the same script? Why? Why? WHY?

I understand that ya'll want to eat your cake and have it while you sow your oats. That's all good and gravy with me. But please take a cue from the older Nigerian men who wrote the script themselves.... the governors, the senators, the alhajis, the chief-chief's, the otunbas, the Baba Risika's and Papa Nkechi's etc. The men who fit these profiles are usually married with children. The first point of protocol is to make the lady friend, usually of the 20 something Moremi-Hall stock found at Unilag, aware that they will not under any circumstance leave the wife and kids. They don't just tell the girl they are married, but they make it clear they will not leave their family... you can be an addition to that family as junior or trophy wife, or the one that will bear a son, but there's no subtraction. Ok....now trust nigerian girls who like awoof to be all over that deal because the immediate profits far out weigh the loss.es and cons. They agree to this arrangement and the girl even artfully helps the client dodge his wife. They are partners in this deceit. Together they work to fly under the radar. Not that I support this, but the relationship has been clarified and each party know what to to expect going in.

Now why my young nigerian men want to rewrite the rules by dating/courting multiple women and lieing to each and everyone of them is a wonder to me. Playing with people's hearts and emotions is very dangerous, especially when you are not telling them what's really up. Despite my limited dating experience, I have been in that situation, shall I say twice and I don't want to revisit it by recanting because they have been reconciled and we've all moved on and learnt from our experiences. But recently the ugly s#!+ poked its head up again. But better now that later on when I have invested too much Sprint minutes and Cinderella day dreaming into the relationship. Just found out that some dude I have been pillow-prattling (means laughing and talking on the phone late into the night) with and actually started taking a liking to has told me some elaborate lies in his bid to make me feel he really really is 'in to me.' As in I was kinda like, abeg chill out, it is not that serious, we've just started talking and I don't know you like that yet. But I just found out by 'slip of someone's tongue' that ol'boy has a chick that he's been tripping all over the place. He'd told me he was single and was heartbroken from a previous relationship.. blah blah blah.. typical sob story. I don't want to get into the details of the elaborate story so not to identify the perosn, but it's just disappointing and depressing.

As in just tell me from the get that even though you have a girl, you just want to 'test the waters' and see what kind of fish you can catch. I can handle that, afterall we are 'fishers-of-men' and it's a competition these days to find a good nigerian man anyway. Tell me that you are having issues with your girl friend and you need an outlet. I can handle that, after all we all need a little jolt of excitement to spice up some romance in a dying relationship. Tell me you want to have an affair, as in a 'don't get it twisted, it's only sex' kinda thing or that you want me to be your baby mama or some cow-dung like that. I can handle that, in fact it's half-flattery that you think of me in that way. Just tell the freaking truth, which is the fact that you are into me for the boobies and the booty and not the beauty or the brains. I definitely wont gel for you after knowing all of the above, but I will respect you for your honesty. My self esteem and confidence are top notch and intact, and guess what, I can handle the truth. I probably can handle that news better than if you learnt that I was just into the papers in your pockets than I was in the parcel you carry in your pants or that you are not the only one around to cover the bases you missed, if you feel my drift. (But that is not to say that I'm a gold-digger.)

Plus what makes ya'll think that while you are out there triffling around, that we're not going to be doing the same. Actually, that's what the problem is because we probably won't. The fact that ya'll know that many of us were brought up well and don't mess around even if we threaten to do so is what seems to be empowering. You take that for granted. You know what we want to hear and that's what you tell us. You know that deep down, no matter how much 'shakara' and 'ako' we do, that we truly are digging you and that sometimes clouds our judgement. But honey no more clouds here, not even the ozone layer.

I love my naija men, but please, biko, don't profess your undying love and affection to me, mess with my head, my heart and soul, lead me into fantasizing about partaking in carnal affinity with you only to find out it's all a great big fib. All that heart ache is totally unneccessary and not worth the trouble. That stuff is majorly annoying especially for someone like me who takes romance and matters of the heart very serious if not more seriously than many.
If you are not ready to fess up and come clean on everything please don't even try to holler. If you know that you are the type that leans towards polygamy then stay as far away from me as possible. If telling the truth hurts, by all means lie, but just NOT next to me. Just tell the truth and save the drama for your momma.