HAPPY VALENTINE'S TO ME, M'SELF AND I'LL BE DARNED....

Hugging Ralph Again... My Ralph Lauren Pillow That is

Yes indeed. The most anticipated and the most dreaded day of the year in the Woman calendar is upon us once more. February 14th. Valentine's Day. It's like a menstrual cycle. You know you have your black out days, more like 'red letter days.' Like that Kotex-fits-Period commercial, it's right there with that silly red heart on the annual calendar. It's a day some women wished never existed and would disappear as did 13th floors. A day some women wished would come around every day. The latter are usually the ones who get those mouth watering strawberry filled cakes, those flowers that make your allergies go bonkers and those down-right annoying singing telegrams courtesy of some gawd-awful barbershop quartet. You just want to pull a cord and have a gallon of goo fall over them and the recipient. That biatch didn't deserve that promotion and she certainly does not deserve a Happy Valentines because that telegram shoulda been yours. Damn that scheming strumpet, bloody daughter of eve, for walking in on your presentation for Joe Handsome-and-Rich account. Mini-skirt, cleavage and the whole nine. Not only did the heifer take the account, she had the client strung all the way to the alter.

Conscience: Ok Adaure Honey snap out of it and just STOP!! You will not stoop to the level of being bitter finger biting spinster spewing hate on a day that's all about LOVE.

Yeah, you're right. Just because I am hopelessly and haplessly single doesn't mean I can't partake in this day that symbolizes all things romantic, of which I proudly am. Who died and said the single ones are barred to wallowing in wanton misery and wretchedness on February 14th. I may be hugging Ralph and snuggling up to my knees (darn it Uncle John, when are you shipping Mr. Carrot Bunny my way) tonight, tomorrow night and every night till D-day. I may not get any call or text from a significant other, but I know Ndidi, Singto, Bayode, Matilda, Ayi and my sisters Onyi and Nene have my back and will be sending some love greetings my way. Plus doesn't the saying go, 'Monkey E no fine, but im mama/papa like am' so add love greetings from mom and pops to that list. JL my imaginary husband will be on 'overdrive' tomorrow. Hmh... Didn't know there was viagra for CD player. Don't even need to bring JC into this because His love for me is boundless and immutable. And who aside from God can love me more besides myself? Nobody. So I decide to shower myself with some good loving. Bought some cup cakes and a Bouquet of Roses from the grocery store and wrote myself a love poem aptly titled Love Adaure: The Remix (Rex Lawson's 'Love Adure' is the original) . It is from 'Obi' (cos every ibo guy is called Obi) the quintessential Igbo lover boy and is dedicated to all the 'Umu-Adas' out there yet to 'Carry-the-Wine' Ya'll know yourselves....

Love Adaure:The Remix

Adaure My Adaure!!!
Adaure for whom the Ekwe sounds
Do with me whatever you like but don't just break my heart.
Addy, My Addy...
For whom my heart hungers
For whom the Egbes (canons) fire...KADOOM!!!
That is ehn... All Owerri shudders at the sound
There's none fairer than you
From Udi Hills to Okrika Wake Up
From Ariaria to Ekonunwa Market
No Pepper Hotter than you
No 'Tomato' riper than you
No vegetable fresher than you
No Onions that can make me cry more than I cry for you.
Oh Addy...'metunum obi' (give me a hug, touch my heart, let's embrace)
I envy the rays of the round Sun
Which kiss your skin every day
How I wish I was your shadow
Casting upon the ground you walk
How I wish I was a mosquito
To whisper music of love in your ears
Oh Adanma... My Omalicha Princess

Who else but you will hold my Odu-Eyi (horse tail insignia)
Like your newly strung Jigida Beads
Hugging tightly around your waist
Gyrating to the fiery rhythm of your hips
So is the quivering of my lips
When I dream of tasting of that gourd
Of palmwine so sweet.
Adaeze...Asampete Nwanyi Oma (basically Igbo word for Snow White)
Lend me the soap you wash your clothes with
So that I may wash this coal of my skin
Let me lay my head in your lap
So that you can pick out the graying hair
Which steals youth from my face

Eze Nwanyi.. The People's Queen When you walk by the market
The cocks start to crow
The goats say 'meeee'
And the cows say 'mooo'
When you go to the River
All the fish in the Niger want to be in your soup pot
They all want to go home with you
So you can turn their miserable existence
Into a platter of Ngwo-Ngwo (Pepper soup of assorted meats)
Don't bother a plate for me
Because of the love I have for you
I don't mind eating the one in your mouth
Ojiugo m... The Kola nut that stops all wars
May AmadiOha give you strong Sons
To Protect our farms
and beautiful daughters
to adorn the the river banks.
Oh Adaure... A fulu'm gi n'anya (i love you)
My love for you is like the grub
that eats through the palm tree in search of the sweet sap
Even the tortoise with all his tricks
Can steal you from my heart
Oh Ada...Ogini k'icho (what do you want)
You want flower... I'll give you Forest
You want Wine... I'll give you Palm Trees You want Wrapper... Hollandaise, Dutch Wax, or Nigerian Tex
Kiri-Kiri Star Abada, Plain George or Million Star
Infact I'll give you cotton fields and all the Akwete weavers in Enugu
Because Odika this love nwantintin (puppy love)
Apukwala na jolomi (is now a serious matter
My love for you is like the river
It gets bigger with the ocean
I love you like fire loves fire wood
Like the Grub that burrows deep into the palm wine tree
in search of it's sweet sap
Oh Addy I cannot eat or sleep without you in my mind
Please don't do me like Christiana
My heart is peppering me that I have to end here
My hand is heavy from the weight of my biro
whose ink I have to save for my 3rd sitting of WAEC
it is stil full of words off affection which time and NEPA will not permit
But worry not my love for even though my candle light goes out
The wax that's stuck to my bench reminds me everytime of you
And how much you are glued to my heart

Your loving darling SweetObi (obi means heart )

Signed
Obidike Chukwudi Nnabueze Ifeanyi Ohanazezeegulam, the future Aka n'agwo Oria I of UkwuOshishiMango ( Doctor under the Mango tree) as well as the Onye Isi Oche Nnukwu Mmanwu Junior of Oraofeite (Chiarman Junior Masquerade of Soup pot licking )