Monday, February 13, 2006


Hugging Ralph Again... My Ralph Lauren Pillow That is

Yes indeed. The most anticipated and the most dreaded day of the year in the Woman calendar is upon us once more. February 14th. Valentine's Day. It's like a menstrual cycle. You know you have your black out days, more like 'red letter days.' Like that Kotex-fits-Period commercial, it's right there with that silly red heart on the annual calendar. It's a day some women wished never existed and would disappear as did 13th floors. A day some women wished would come around every day. The latter are usually the ones who get those mouth watering strawberry filled cakes, those flowers that make your allergies go bonkers and those down-right annoying singing telegrams courtesy of some gawd-awful barbershop quartet. You just want to pull a cord and have a gallon of goo fall over them and the recipient. That biatch didn't deserve that promotion and she certainly does not deserve a Happy Valentines because that telegram shoulda been yours. Damn that scheming strumpet, bloody daughter of eve, for walking in on your presentation for Joe Handsome-and-Rich account. Mini-skirt, cleavage and the whole nine. Not only did the heifer take the account, she had the client strung all the way to the alter.

Conscience: Ok Adaure Honey snap out of it and just STOP!! You will not stoop to the level of being bitter finger biting spinster spewing hate on a day that's all about LOVE.

Yeah, you're right. Just because I am hopelessly and haplessly single doesn't mean I can't partake in this day that symbolizes all things romantic, of which I proudly am. Who died and said the single ones are barred to wallowing in wanton misery and wretchedness on February 14th. I may be hugging Ralph and snuggling up to my knees (darn it Uncle John, when are you shipping Mr. Carrot Bunny my way) tonight, tomorrow night and every night till D-day. I may not get any call or text from a significant other, but I know Ndidi, Singto, Bayode, Matilda, Ayi and my sisters Onyi and Nene have my back and will be sending some love greetings my way. Plus doesn't the saying go, 'Monkey E no fine, but im mama/papa like am' so add love greetings from mom and pops to that list. JL my imaginary husband will be on 'overdrive' tomorrow. Hmh... Didn't know there was viagra for CD player. Don't even need to bring JC into this because His love for me is boundless and immutable. And who aside from God can love me more besides myself? Nobody. So I decide to shower myself with some good loving. Bought some cup cakes and a Bouquet of Roses from the grocery store and wrote myself a love poem aptly titled Love Adaure: The Remix (Rex Lawson's 'Love Adure' is the original) . It is from 'Obi' (cos every ibo guy is called Obi) the quintessential Igbo lover boy and is dedicated to all the 'Umu-Adas' out there yet to 'Carry-the-Wine' Ya'll know yourselves....

Love Adaure:The Remix

Adaure My Adaure!!!
Adaure for whom the Ekwe sounds
Do with me whatever you like but don't just break my heart.
Addy, My Addy...
For whom my heart hungers
For whom the Egbes (canons) fire...KADOOM!!!
That is ehn... All Owerri shudders at the sound
There's none fairer than you
From Udi Hills to Okrika Wake Up
From Ariaria to Ekonunwa Market
No Pepper Hotter than you
No 'Tomato' riper than you
No vegetable fresher than you
No Onions that can make me cry more than I cry for you.
Oh Addy...'metunum obi' (give me a hug, touch my heart, let's embrace)
I envy the rays of the round Sun
Which kiss your skin every day
How I wish I was your shadow
Casting upon the ground you walk
How I wish I was a mosquito
To whisper music of love in your ears
Oh Adanma... My Omalicha Princess

Who else but you will hold my Odu-Eyi (horse tail insignia)
Like your newly strung Jigida Beads
Hugging tightly around your waist
Gyrating to the fiery rhythm of your hips
So is the quivering of my lips
When I dream of tasting of that gourd
Of palmwine so sweet.
Adaeze...Asampete Nwanyi Oma (basically Igbo word for Snow White)
Lend me the soap you wash your clothes with
So that I may wash this coal of my skin
Let me lay my head in your lap
So that you can pick out the graying hair
Which steals youth from my face

Eze Nwanyi.. The People's Queen When you walk by the market
The cocks start to crow
The goats say 'meeee'
And the cows say 'mooo'
When you go to the River
All the fish in the Niger want to be in your soup pot
They all want to go home with you
So you can turn their miserable existence
Into a platter of Ngwo-Ngwo (Pepper soup of assorted meats)
Don't bother a plate for me
Because of the love I have for you
I don't mind eating the one in your mouth
Ojiugo m... The Kola nut that stops all wars
May AmadiOha give you strong Sons
To Protect our farms
and beautiful daughters
to adorn the the river banks.
Oh Adaure... A fulu'm gi n'anya (i love you)
My love for you is like the grub
that eats through the palm tree in search of the sweet sap
Even the tortoise with all his tricks
Can steal you from my heart
Oh Ada...Ogini k'icho (what do you want)
You want flower... I'll give you Forest
You want Wine... I'll give you Palm Trees You want Wrapper... Hollandaise, Dutch Wax, or Nigerian Tex
Kiri-Kiri Star Abada, Plain George or Million Star
Infact I'll give you cotton fields and all the Akwete weavers in Enugu
Because Odika this love nwantintin (puppy love)
Apukwala na jolomi (is now a serious matter
My love for you is like the river
It gets bigger with the ocean
I love you like fire loves fire wood
Like the Grub that burrows deep into the palm wine tree
in search of it's sweet sap
Oh Addy I cannot eat or sleep without you in my mind
Please don't do me like Christiana
My heart is peppering me that I have to end here
My hand is heavy from the weight of my biro
whose ink I have to save for my 3rd sitting of WAEC
it is stil full of words off affection which time and NEPA will not permit
But worry not my love for even though my candle light goes out
The wax that's stuck to my bench reminds me everytime of you
And how much you are glued to my heart

Your loving darling SweetObi (obi means heart )

Obidike Chukwudi Nnabueze Ifeanyi Ohanazezeegulam, the future Aka n'agwo Oria I of UkwuOshishiMango ( Doctor under the Mango tree) as well as the Onye Isi Oche Nnukwu Mmanwu Junior of Oraofeite (Chiarman Junior Masquerade of Soup pot licking )


Nneka's World said...

Happy Valentine, Addy!!
Eh Jos tomato
Omalicha nwa!
Happy valentine once again.

TaureanMinx said...

Who said we single girls can't give ourselves 'shat-ats'. I want to make a request to Adaure, I want to wish her a happy vals day and I want to say thank you Maltinaaaaa

Ndidi said...

Happy Valentine's day my beautiful sister! Hugs and kisses from my end :)
Love you.

Anonymous said...

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NHL 4.3, MLB 3.0, and NBA 3.6.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system.

I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can I do?


Dear Desperate:

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try to enter the command: "C:/ITHOUGHTYOULOVEDME" to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

Remember, though, that overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly 10.8. Whatever you do: DO NOT reinstall another Boyfriend program.

These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

femi said...

listen luv i wouldnt worry about being single, ure probly better off, im just coming to the end of vals day with my so called boyfriend of 5 years and he is right now as drunks as skunk watching telly, now i dont know if ive driven him to drink but right now i wanna murder his sorry ass

Anonymous said...

girl you are crazy, but very funny!!

Adaure said... sister happy valentine to you to. For real Tomato-Jos ...but that one is for you. I am more like 'Tatashe-Pepper' for real, we need to have a revolution and take this day from the lovers. Bet you in a few years some senators will be writing a bill to 'protect the sanctity of valentines day'. LOL

@ Ndidi... Love you to my darling sister...I am saving the trip to the spa for when i visit Raleigh...hmh... Nne the place has become hot all of a sudden.

@anonymous... that's funny.

@Femi.. Biko!! I take God beg you put down the rat poison. Good question though, going by anonymous's post above your may be you've applied Beer 6.1. Find out which version. If it is the Heineiken and Budweiser version say 3 hail mary's, If it is the Star and Gulder Version counter it with Holy Water if it is Tombo-Likwo, a few days of waking up in the gutter wll get him starightened out.

@anon...ok, that was kinda like a tongue-in-cheek oxymoron, but i go shine teeth follow you laugh sha... lol

Ostranda said...

Happy Valentine's Day Adaure.

Anonymous said...

If I get fired from work, its because I was laughing at your blog. Sha...happy belated vals day...This single life rocks for me sha. I get to do Whatever, Whenever!

Anonymous said...

That love-poem is so funny!! I really should stop reading these posts (and leaving plenty comments for you to go through - sorry for all the extra homework) and get back to work... but in the words of Destiny's Child (in 'Nasty Girl') you're making it haaaaard 'for girls like myself you need to avoid getting query from oga'...

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