Thursday, June 15, 2006

A CALL NO ONE LIKES TO ANSWER

(Disclaimer: This is a highly grotesque post so if you do not appreciate the extricacies of the human anatomy, the idiosyncrasies of life, have been fantasizing about marrying me or are about to eat please close this browser. ...BY THE WAY LONG LIVE THE QUEEN!!!)

Especially In the Middle of the Night


Sometimes people turn off their phones because they don't want to disturbed by pesky relatives begging for one thing or the other or just calling to say 'How is America?' Then there are those call that only come at evil hours of the day and make the rest of your night a sleepless one. You know the ones. When they tell you someone has died or has been in an accident. We all dread those calls but they come in every now and then. The only good thing about those is that you can control when you get that kind of call my by just switching off the celly. But there is one critical phone call that you don't have the luxury to turn of with the click of a button. It's a phone call that if not answered can ruin so many possibilities for you depending on where you are, can become an embarrassment or could give you a lot of work. That call can ruin not just your night and the next day, but your appetite, respiratory and muscular system. The dreaded call I speak about is Nature's Call. See Nyja Guy for a reference case and If you are eating or about to eat this is the time to turn away because I am about to gross you out.

Well I got that call last night and it was not pretty. I came home from work and after listening to some old school jams on some website and logging some sound bites, I decided to have a bowl of spaghetti and some sauce that I had made the previous Sunday. Thinking of which, it may have been my cooking that caused me to have this bout of food poisoning, but I will blame it on the Chinese food I had that yesterday afternoon. So I ended up going to bed around 10.30pm shortly after eating. Keep in mind that I need all the sleep I can get because I have to be up at 6am and be at work at 7am.
Suddenly I felt a rumble in my tumble, a sharp cramp on my left side and then again on my right. I started to rotate on the bed and commenced to break dancing in hopes that the various positions will suppress the raucous going on in my digestive system. I look at the clock. 2.30am. OOOHHH God!!! I exclaimed to myself, 'Why does this have to happened now?' I asked. In my head I was thinking what could be the cause of these cramps in my stomach. The funny thing is that there was no pressure in the anus rectumus area of my lower digestive system so I was quite concerned that I had something serious on my hands. I moaned and groaned and hugged my pillow tightly. I had to be a soldier. There's no way I am going to let this ruin my good sleep. And I was having one sweet dream like that and I tried to think if I had had anything to eat in the dram. You know how it is when they tell you not to eat food in the dream because it could be poison. Well my mind went far. I looked at the clock again. Kai!! 2.45, the pain was still agonizing and yet no pressure. I started sweating. I thought to myself that I know i have not eaten anything out of the ordinary and this must be the handiwork of my spaghetti sauce so I went to the glass chair and sat. Nothing. The pain in my tummy was agonizing. I had some laxatives and one funny green tea that apparently makes you go. I thought perhaps if I take that and make myself go the pain will ease. I even thought to take Tylenol, but I immediately realized that was a very dumb idea because Tylenol does not work on 'that kind of pain.'. I sat there massaging my stomach and talking to motivate the stuvs to come out. I was falling asleep and time was not waiting for me at all. Then all of a sudden I hear my stomach go 'ppprrrrrrrrr'. I knew then that it was game time. Skip that part.

Then I went back to bed feeling a little better. Little did I know I was in for a rough night. 4 trips later I was totally exhausted and thinking perhaps it was time to call in sick. But the devil is a liar. I haven't called in sick since I started working here and I do not intend to start today. So I went back to bed. How about I could not get out of bed in the morning because I was absolutely exhausted and spent. My stomach was empty and I had no energy. No pep in my step. No groove in my move. No spunk in my funk. I knew then I was in for a rough day.
Boy was that an odious experience. Now I am very afraid to eat my pot of spaghetti sauce and to think I made that huge pot to last me the whole week. I wonder if it was the six cloves of garlic that I put in the stew that caused the upset stomach. Hmh.. The mysteries of life. Anyways I have just been drinking water all day in an effort to de-acidify the lining of my stomach. I am afraid to eat today so I will be having some regular bread, egg and peak milk... mainstay Nigerian hospital food. You can't go wrong with that.

Meanwhile I am beginning to feel restless again. I feel I am not stimulated enough by my current work. My creative out juices are crying to be set free otherwise they will explode. I am marinating on that concept and I am having seriously sleepless nights trying to come up with solutions. I know what the prize is but I gotta find a way to get to it. I can just hear it beckoning, I can feel it pumping my blood hot, I can see it in my minds eye, if only I can just reach out and GRAB it.

Anyways I reluctantly went and got my nails done. I am trying to be a 'lady' not just on Sundays. I have been living a hemaphrodite lifestyle and I need to either switch totally to one side and be completely prissy and dainty or with to the other side and be butch and lesbian. The former appeals to me more or don't you think.

13 comments:

Onada said...

LOLLLLLL, Adaure you wont kill me!! it was the six cloves of garlic abi? go easy on that garlic next time. i hope you are feeling better oh.

sswiwa said...

SIX CLOVES OF GARLIC??? LOL!!! LOL!!! oh my days...i don't believe you, i swear. and you can neither be prissy nor butch; just be you. we like you like that.

~d~ said...

I had one of those one nite too. Actually was spagetti and minced meat sauce as well that i cooked (dont think i had any chinese food to blame it on). That nite was more than terrible, not only did i go, i also threw up those stringy things n then passed out for a while on the coooold bathroom floor. Woke up n had to start cleaning my mess. I have a fear of minced meat now!

Voltron said...

I know this is off the Topic, but have to give you credit for the comment on naija blog! Na wa for dude! He has since removed the page!

Voltron said...

What a funny story. at least yours happened in the comfort of your house! Let me tell you, It is better than the one that caught me on the train 2yrs back! Y'see some chick was celebrating her birthday at work and they had Chinese and Greek food( I know what a combo..she always raved about the restaurant so they suprised her..whatever)They also had ice cream cake which I love! But did I mention i was lactose intlorerant. Hmmmmm. 1.30pm came and they summoned us into conference rm A for the wackies and yours trully was mad hungry and ate herself to a stupor. I even took some sturvs home. Why like at 5.45pm on my train ride home, my belly started sonding like the Poland spring water cooler at work and a series of explosive silent misiles escaping form you know were..girrrl, I started breaking in hot/ cold malaria type sweat..I know they say God doesnt give us more than we can handle, but is was bit more than my ass could handle. I coulndt ask the conductor to turn the train around or go any faster...Girl it was a literal crap shoot!! I finally got off at the nearast stop and begged the attendant at Wendys to allow me do my remix/rendition of Bombs over Baghdad!

Oyin said...

LOL, hahahahaha, chai..Adau you no kill me finish...See me laffing my butt off at work.
Hope you are feeling better sha..

sokari said...

Hi, I have set up an African Women's Reblog at:

http://www.africanwomenblogs.com/africanwomen.html

Myself and Mshairi are hoping to develop the REblog into a space for African women - we are not sure what yet but would appreciate it if you would have a look through the reblog and add a link to it on your blog.

many thanks - ps my blog address has changed to www.blacklooks.org

TaureanMinx said...

Pele oh, I had goat meat peppersoup this weekend with the same results and you can imagine how the pepper peppered me!

Just Thinking Out Loud! said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Pilgrimage to Self said...

The African Food Blog has launched, please visit http://africanfoodblog.blogspot.com to see how you can be a part of it. thanks!

Yetty said...

Thats interesting I've never thought about it until I just read your blog. As a yoruba girl it's sorta part of the culture and I seriously see it as humility.. women of nowadays omo it takes a lot to bend but I have realized that when you love someone I mean deeply, you look forward to serving them (dang did I just say that) okay I'm not of sound mind at this moment lol. But see men Kneel to propose, women kneel to feed. You can't beat that.. lol! Granted men only propose on one knee they look cuter than way.. 2 knees and you know they've done something wrong... But I digress loL! So at some point we are both sacrificing a part of our humble self.. So yes I will kneel for my husband :) dang with this your post I might re-consider....OOO ADAURE what have u plugged into my brain now o!!!! oooo this is not kool lol!

Just Thinking Out Loud! said...

lol. I know I'm not supposed to laugh, but that must have been very unpleasant as I have seen from personal experience. :) I knew letting out the explosives always helps to relieve such!

ndo, adaure! Glad I wasn't at lunch with you. :) cos I would have just thought I was cursed or something (to be around people when their stomachs are killing them). That feeling must not be good at all. Hope you feel better now.

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