Friday, February 17, 2006


Mary And Angela's NYSC Story

(Was going through my old blog last night and saw this post. I got it from my friends last year. They should be rounding up their service. This is the tale they told, I was falling on the floor and dying of laughter when I first read it, so please make sure there are no sharp objects near by. Note, Angela just returned from yankee, hence the hilarity. Thank God He found me a job in Cali, this is what I would have been preparing to go through, although I have also heard some good happy stories. Guess you have to pray you get a good placement.)

My Dear,
How far? MEN!!! i cannot even begin to tell you my story... i don suffer small for this my life weh i come.. i went into NYSC camp on thursday morning, and by night time i had already started crying.. !!! i'm NOT joking oh.. because we were over two thousand students at the lagos camp, i didnt get registered that day, and therefore didnt get allocated a bed space so hundreds of us had to sleep OUTSIDE on the ROAD... im not even playing.. luckily, 'Angela' and i bought a mat to sleep on, which was equally as bad because the 'mat' was made of wood!! so can u please imagine how uncomfortable that was for starters.. THEN, they were playing king sunny ade really loud which made it quite difficult to sleep... THEN, i finally fall asleep, and the KILLER mosquitoes set in .. they bit nonsense out of us.. we were wrapped up from head to foot in our sheets, but they still found their way through.. at that point i just kept thinking about how life can be soo unfair to you sometimes.. i guess at that point, 'Angela' couldnt take it and started weeping seriously.. this was about one or two in the morning..
at about three thirty, ppl had started getting up to take a bath outside, and by the time we managed to borrow buckets, fetch water from the well-like hole tank where there was water, they had brightened the lights, and so we still had to bathe like that with both guys and girls strolling about.. TALK ABOUT SERIOUS REDUCTION OF OUR BRIDE PRICE!!!!
luckily as we hadnt registered the day before, we did not have to take part in that days 'marching' and frog-jumping cos we didnt have our uniforms., but it didnt stop the terrible terrible sun from almost killing us.. we FINALLY managed to register at about 8pm friday night, and swore that we would not spend another night in that place.. u need to see the bathrooms!!!
in between the course of the day, we had already started pleading with a friend of ours who has another friend in the army, who had to find out our commandants name, and luckily, who knew him personally..
it was at that point that there was some hope of leaving.. i got the commandants number, spoke to him, and was told to consider the time we were asking to be let out. this was already past ten at night.. of course i didnt care about that, all i wanted was to be outside the walls of that prison.. come and check out ppl who were trying to escape. the soldiers had to mann the gates and drive them back. even those who slept in the dorms (24people to a room if i might add), were bringing out their matrasses to sleep outside. they said they'd rather be bitten senseless by mosquitoes, than to die of heat and suffocation in the rooms....(no fans, and u cannot bring your own) ITS THAT BAD!!!!!!!! and so friday night had over almost a thousand corpers scattered all over the road. there was hardly any space to even pass.. one chick who came from london to serve, was reading her Bible and shedding hot tears... she said she had never suffered this much in her entire life..
how about the camp food? dinner on thursday was akara, one small fried fish,and Ogi.., the next morning was beans and bread..., afternoon, beans and yam. and u should have seen ppl lining up to collect food..God Forbid!!! we ate in the mammy market cos theres lots of canteens there..
so back to my escape night, i finally meet the commandant and he tells me that he didnt know we were two, and that i would have to leave on my own.. horrified as i was at the prospect of getting out, i would never have left 'Angela' there, so i told him no thanks, and that i'd stay back. 'Angela' said, if i had gone, she would have told them the next day to let her go that she wasnt doing nysc again.. if they had refused, she would have started rolling on the floor and shouting till her father comes to take her away.. dont know what we would have done if we didnt have each other there..
i guess he had some heart cos he agreed to SET US FREE.. forget ! the coded way we even left. had to go one at a time.. one equally desperate girl followed me behind and begged me to say we were together.. . she then lied that she was on her period and didnt have any tampons and with more begging, and after the soldiers abused her for coming to camp without any they let her go. as soon as she got out, she ran accross the road to a waiting mercedes benz, wove to me and drove off..
u also need to have seen cars and drivers outside waiting for people who were planning on escaping that night as well..
so, na so we flee.. . at past eleven at night, from that far away place in iyana ipaja, knowing fully, that we were still heading to V.G.C, and not giving a damn about the time.. so we left, hopefully, NEVER to go back till the passing out parade on the last day, in about two and a half weeks.. i just dont understand how ANYONE can adapt to that kind of rubbish and make the most out of it.. and apart from that, i also think that the nysc thing needs to be SCRAPPED because it makes absolutely no sense to me. if it must remain, then a there must be a TOTAL review and improvement to make it bearable for some people. i say some because there were ppl there who looked like it was just another three weeks of their everyday lives..
so, my peeps, if u are ever convinced to come home and do NYSC, tell them that they should tell whoever sent them to you; that they didnt find you.. in other words... RUN!!
this is my experience and i can BOLDLY represent all the other 'ajebotas' there... i wish them plenty of luck
p.s i think i need to add that Angela and i are now FUGITIVES, at least till that death camp is over cos we cannot return home while its still on...
stay cool guys!!!!!
Love always,
pictures from

Thursday, February 16, 2006


Calling All Nigerians to Show up in Numbers to Support this NNE BABE!!!!!

Na wa oh... ibo girls sef wan do pass. First it was Oluchi, now it's Nnenna who is an indigene of Imo State of our beautiful country Nigeria. Through the grape vine of the sixth degree of seperation as I found out, she happens to be from my second maternal home, Egbu Owerri and is a cousin through my cousins... ya'll know how every body from your village is your cousin. Uh huh.. that kind of cousin. LOL. Anyways I won't be surprised if I played 'Oro' and 'willie-willie' with her during those August village lazy summer days vactaions. I just wonder. Anyways please watch the show, make sure you vote for her, if she doesn't go far, which I know she will, we will still have to blow her up on our own. So email all your peeps in Nigeria, copy ad paste her picture every where. I know they have picked a winner by now but this girl has to independently take all the cover girl titles for every week on that show. We're naijas now we can make that happen. Check her out at and make sure you watch the show starting in March.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006


Abeg Pass the Guguru and Epa(pop-corn and peanuts)

Well I'll be double darned. All of a sudden, just as I packed up my baggash and skipped town North Carolina decides that it won't be so boring anymore. Ain't that something. May be it's me because when I also moved out of Charlotte, that's when everybody moved in and the place became fun. How that came to be is still a 'wonderment' to me. To make matters more interesting, I am even playing my papparazzi role very well by taking some good notes and being an 'observationer'. Incase you missed the deluge that went down in the Naija-blogosphere, you are in luck because I am charging $10 per episode to bring you up to speed. Send me an email and I shall link you to my pay pal account. Once the funds have been deposited and verified, I will then proceed to email you the 'PG Rated' transcript. If you want the original version with the blackbook list you have to cough up $20 each. No 419 runs please. Breaking news***Someone just died of AIDS.

Let me kukuma just go ahead and confess. I am guilty as charged but also innocent. I don't like surprises and as I am seeing it, there's too much nyash-opening going on on the WWW. So therefores the charges against me include; 5 counts of Grand theft for gisting on company phone, copyright infringement, lifting of intellectual property, piracy and possibly profiteering ; 3 counts of libel for rumor mongering, promoting literature about whoremongering and gossiping on the clock; multiple counts of philandering, the victims being Tochukwu and Kenechukwu, their step brother Odinakachukwu, their cousins from their mother's side Oluwasoji, Oluwafaaji, Oluwadeji, Oluwabegi and their next door neighbors Haruna, Garuba, Usman who are friends with my exboyfriend Uwaisoken, whose ring I took and ran off with Senator Cheif Alhaji Chuks-Ade-Danladi whom I assasinated after he refused to buy me matching gold shoe for our son's naming ceremony...the son that doesn't belong to him, but the ameircan oil expat. Alhaji thought the child was Albino. So before any Koba'ing and casting, any 'weta k'egbuo' (bring am make we kill) and stoning, I have gone ahead and let the secret out and casted myself, so I guess I can now jump inside the lagoon. In fact where is the wall sef, lemme go and bang my head. LOL.

I know it aint my business and nobody died and made me ms. saint-holier-than-thou, but on a more serious note and all jokes and differences aside, this blogging about beef, vendetta and love-gone-awry is getting a bit out of hand. Ya'll know yourselves and if you like you can reign abuses on my head, I could care less. But ya'll are taking the fun and laughs out of this whole blog-ring thingy and it's getting a bit too dicey and dangerous. I know we all love drama, laugh and live vicariously through it some times but sorry to play Voltron Defender of the Universe, someone needs to put an end to this crap. I mean settle your scores amicably, limit it to the blogs after all ain't ya'll supposed to be strong enough to take the heat. We all have beef and lead our own secret lives but dragging other people into your lovers quarrel, actually the whole damn country, getting physical, breaking doors or calling cops...uhn uhn... now ya'll know that's gone waaayy tooooooo far. OGINI!!!! I mean I was laughing but now I have stopped because it's not funny any more. For goodness sakes isn't there a child in the middle of all this probably witnessing the rollercoaster of emotions. And then what's next? Some body slashes tires, stalking, restraining orders or God forbids, buys a gun and shoots some one up. Seriously c'mon now people, be bashful and exercise some decorum or even have some shame and dignity. If not for yourselves but for the fact that pastor and pastor mrs have read and heard all this crap. For Shame....YOU ARE GROWN FOLKS and right about now you are looking VERY VERY VERY SILLY, IMMATURE AND BITTER. It's quite disheartening but I hope everyone witnessing learns a very good lesson from all this. Moral of all this(can't believe I'm saying this) SUPPORT CELIBACY and ABSTINENCE--Girls, fachie n'opa (seal, plug and close the legs) Boys 'fanyenu amu na trussis' (stick the stick in the trouser and zip that crap up). It's not worth the trouble, the heartache and as you can see the embarassment. My 2 kobo yarns ... a word is enough for the wise...ya'll can take it however you want. I'm chilling in Hollywood. Best Wishes and World Peace!!

Monday, February 13, 2006


Hugging Ralph Again... My Ralph Lauren Pillow That is

Yes indeed. The most anticipated and the most dreaded day of the year in the Woman calendar is upon us once more. February 14th. Valentine's Day. It's like a menstrual cycle. You know you have your black out days, more like 'red letter days.' Like that Kotex-fits-Period commercial, it's right there with that silly red heart on the annual calendar. It's a day some women wished never existed and would disappear as did 13th floors. A day some women wished would come around every day. The latter are usually the ones who get those mouth watering strawberry filled cakes, those flowers that make your allergies go bonkers and those down-right annoying singing telegrams courtesy of some gawd-awful barbershop quartet. You just want to pull a cord and have a gallon of goo fall over them and the recipient. That biatch didn't deserve that promotion and she certainly does not deserve a Happy Valentines because that telegram shoulda been yours. Damn that scheming strumpet, bloody daughter of eve, for walking in on your presentation for Joe Handsome-and-Rich account. Mini-skirt, cleavage and the whole nine. Not only did the heifer take the account, she had the client strung all the way to the alter.

Conscience: Ok Adaure Honey snap out of it and just STOP!! You will not stoop to the level of being bitter finger biting spinster spewing hate on a day that's all about LOVE.

Yeah, you're right. Just because I am hopelessly and haplessly single doesn't mean I can't partake in this day that symbolizes all things romantic, of which I proudly am. Who died and said the single ones are barred to wallowing in wanton misery and wretchedness on February 14th. I may be hugging Ralph and snuggling up to my knees (darn it Uncle John, when are you shipping Mr. Carrot Bunny my way) tonight, tomorrow night and every night till D-day. I may not get any call or text from a significant other, but I know Ndidi, Singto, Bayode, Matilda, Ayi and my sisters Onyi and Nene have my back and will be sending some love greetings my way. Plus doesn't the saying go, 'Monkey E no fine, but im mama/papa like am' so add love greetings from mom and pops to that list. JL my imaginary husband will be on 'overdrive' tomorrow. Hmh... Didn't know there was viagra for CD player. Don't even need to bring JC into this because His love for me is boundless and immutable. And who aside from God can love me more besides myself? Nobody. So I decide to shower myself with some good loving. Bought some cup cakes and a Bouquet of Roses from the grocery store and wrote myself a love poem aptly titled Love Adaure: The Remix (Rex Lawson's 'Love Adure' is the original) . It is from 'Obi' (cos every ibo guy is called Obi) the quintessential Igbo lover boy and is dedicated to all the 'Umu-Adas' out there yet to 'Carry-the-Wine' Ya'll know yourselves....

Love Adaure:The Remix

Adaure My Adaure!!!
Adaure for whom the Ekwe sounds
Do with me whatever you like but don't just break my heart.
Addy, My Addy...
For whom my heart hungers
For whom the Egbes (canons) fire...KADOOM!!!
That is ehn... All Owerri shudders at the sound
There's none fairer than you
From Udi Hills to Okrika Wake Up
From Ariaria to Ekonunwa Market
No Pepper Hotter than you
No 'Tomato' riper than you
No vegetable fresher than you
No Onions that can make me cry more than I cry for you.
Oh Addy...'metunum obi' (give me a hug, touch my heart, let's embrace)
I envy the rays of the round Sun
Which kiss your skin every day
How I wish I was your shadow
Casting upon the ground you walk
How I wish I was a mosquito
To whisper music of love in your ears
Oh Adanma... My Omalicha Princess

Who else but you will hold my Odu-Eyi (horse tail insignia)
Like your newly strung Jigida Beads
Hugging tightly around your waist
Gyrating to the fiery rhythm of your hips
So is the quivering of my lips
When I dream of tasting of that gourd
Of palmwine so sweet.
Adaeze...Asampete Nwanyi Oma (basically Igbo word for Snow White)
Lend me the soap you wash your clothes with
So that I may wash this coal of my skin
Let me lay my head in your lap
So that you can pick out the graying hair
Which steals youth from my face

Eze Nwanyi.. The People's Queen When you walk by the market
The cocks start to crow
The goats say 'meeee'
And the cows say 'mooo'
When you go to the River
All the fish in the Niger want to be in your soup pot
They all want to go home with you
So you can turn their miserable existence
Into a platter of Ngwo-Ngwo (Pepper soup of assorted meats)
Don't bother a plate for me
Because of the love I have for you
I don't mind eating the one in your mouth
Ojiugo m... The Kola nut that stops all wars
May AmadiOha give you strong Sons
To Protect our farms
and beautiful daughters
to adorn the the river banks.
Oh Adaure... A fulu'm gi n'anya (i love you)
My love for you is like the grub
that eats through the palm tree in search of the sweet sap
Even the tortoise with all his tricks
Can steal you from my heart
Oh Ada...Ogini k'icho (what do you want)
You want flower... I'll give you Forest
You want Wine... I'll give you Palm Trees You want Wrapper... Hollandaise, Dutch Wax, or Nigerian Tex
Kiri-Kiri Star Abada, Plain George or Million Star
Infact I'll give you cotton fields and all the Akwete weavers in Enugu
Because Odika this love nwantintin (puppy love)
Apukwala na jolomi (is now a serious matter
My love for you is like the river
It gets bigger with the ocean
I love you like fire loves fire wood
Like the Grub that burrows deep into the palm wine tree
in search of it's sweet sap
Oh Addy I cannot eat or sleep without you in my mind
Please don't do me like Christiana
My heart is peppering me that I have to end here
My hand is heavy from the weight of my biro
whose ink I have to save for my 3rd sitting of WAEC
it is stil full of words off affection which time and NEPA will not permit
But worry not my love for even though my candle light goes out
The wax that's stuck to my bench reminds me everytime of you
And how much you are glued to my heart

Your loving darling SweetObi (obi means heart )

Obidike Chukwudi Nnabueze Ifeanyi Ohanazezeegulam, the future Aka n'agwo Oria I of UkwuOshishiMango ( Doctor under the Mango tree) as well as the Onye Isi Oche Nnukwu Mmanwu Junior of Oraofeite (Chiarman Junior Masquerade of Soup pot licking )

Thursday, February 09, 2006


For lack of nothing else to do I decided to do a bunch of personlaity quiz thingies that I found through Nneka's blog. Some of this stuff is interesting, some ring true, others just coincidental but half is just BS. However it did make for a fun Friday night...

I Knew I was the Black Version
Your Inner Pop Princess Is Jessica Simpson

"The real me used to laugh all nightLying in the grass, just talkin 'bout love.But lately I've been jaded,Life got so complicated."
You have an innocent charm that appeals to guys and girls.
Who's" Your Inner Pop Princess?

How You Live Your Life

You have a good sense of self control and hate to show weakness.
You say whatever is on your mind. Other people's reactions don't phase you.
Your friends tend to be a as quirky as you are - which is saying a lot!
Some of your past dreams have disappointed you, but you don't let it get you down.
How Do You Live Your Life?

You Are 46% Addicted to Love

Might as well face it, you're addicted to love.
You've been a fool for love many times - but are you the wiser for it?
Your needs should come first, both in and out of relationships.
Because you're the only one who can look out for yourself!

What Your Face Says

At first glance, people see you as driven and ambitious.

Overall, your true self is moody and dynamic.

With friends, you seem logical, detached, and a bit manipulative.

In love, you seem mysterious and interesting.

In stressful situation, you seem like you're oblivious to the stress.

Your Daddy Is Mike Tyson

What You Call Him: Daddy-o

Why You Love Him: Because he's your baby daddy

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart.

In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

You're an Passionate Kisser

For you, kissing is about all about following your urges
If someone's hot, you'll go in for the kiss - end of story
You can keep any relationship hot with your steamy kisses
A total spark plug - your kisses are bound to get you in trouble

You are a Believer

You believe in God and your chosen religion.
Whether you're Christian, Muslim, Jewish, or Hindu..
Your convictions are strong and unwavering.
You think your religion is the one true way, for everyone.

Your Birth Month is March

You love life and exude an outgoing, cheerful vibe.

Blessed with a great sense of humor, you can laugh at adversity.

Your soul reflects: Respect, desire, and generosity

Your gemstone: Aquamarine

Your flower: Daffodil

Your colors: White and light blue

Your Kissing Purity Score: 46% Pure

You're not one to kiss and tell...

But word is, you kiss pretty well.

Arty Kid

Whether you were a drama freak or an emo poet, you definitely were expressive and unique.

You're probably a little less weird these days - but even more talented!

What Your Sleeping Position Says

You are confident and ready to tackle life.
You are pretty vain and happy with your physical appearance.
You are born to be the center of attention, and you're unhappy on the sidelines.
You're always up for trying something new - in and out of bed!

Your Power Color Is Blue

Relationships and feelngs are the most important things to you.
You are empathetic and accepting - and good at avoiding conflict.
If someone close to you is in pain, it makes you hurt as well.
You try to heal the ones you love with your kind and open heart.

Ok enough bull$#!ting for one night. I am off to bed at 10pm on a Friday night...Gosh wharalife. We gotta find a way to fix this. Meanwhile here are some other things i jotted down
My French Name is Raissa Duval
My Japanese Name is Toki Masachika
My Hawaian name is Iolana Lokelani
My Brazillian Nam eis Fabiola Menezes
My Hillbilly Country Name is Leanne Lou Rambler
My Porn Name is Glory Hole
My stripper song is ,'My love is like wo' by Mya
I was a Lizard in my past life
I was also a Mute Undertaker living in Poland but died by decapitation

I could go on and on but I gotta call it a night

Wednesday, February 08, 2006


(Was that performance of 'Gold Digga' by Jamie Foxx and Kanye West at the Grammys HOT or WHAT!?!)

My Love Affair With John Legend

I think I have found a new lover in John Legend. He must have written some of his songs with me in mind because I have fallen in love with him. He's gotten into my head and perhaps he's got a clutch on my heart too. His CD 'Get Lifted' is on heavy rotation except on Saturday and Sunday mornings when I gotta join Mahalia Jackson and the Staple Singers in singing 'Halelujah to the Saints'. Ain't nothin' better than pickin' up my long white robe, down by the riverside and walking to that old rugged cross.
With John.... he's rocking my world right about now. Every time I listen to this CD I get into the whole 'this-song-will-be-perfect-at-my-wedding' phase. He takes me to a new high that Bob Marley and Marvin Gaye, my other music flames took me occasionally before John came into my life. There's something about his, and their music, that just gets me all mushy and teary eyed. Feeling like I am having a spiritual revival or reawakening with each lyric. Now that's some good music. Poetry. Even Shakespeare could not come up with some of these lyrically lyricistic lyrics of love. Can a real everyday regular dude ever be this romantic. Take the time to carefully pen his words, with puns and personifications perfeclty placed in the most approriate context and metaphors magically expressing the minds imaginary muses. I am watching the Grammys now and everytime they flash a picture of 'my Johnny', my heart skips a beat and a smile lights up my face. He such a hottie. His smile is enchanting and I just want to kiss those lips and pinch his cheeks. He's just won 'Best Male Vocalist' for 'Ordinary People' and coincidentally it's the same song blarring out of my lap that a sign from God? I wonder, am I his muse because I feel a connection? He was there for me emotionally when I was going through some deep stuff, when I was hurting, when I was breaking up with friends and fighting the urge to make that phone call that I know I should not make, when I was feeling unloved and falling out of love. Johny's comforting and soothing words made me heal and love again when he said to me...

I pray for better days to come /I pray that I would see the sun /Cuz life is so burdensome/When everyday's a rainy one /But suddenly there's no more clouds /I believe without a doubt/
That heaven sent an angel down /And then she turned my life around /You know and I know/Friends come and friends go /Storms rise and winds blow /But one thing I know for sure /
When it's cold outside /There's no need to worry cuz /I'm so warm inside /You give me peace /When the storm's outside /Cuz we're in love I know /It'll be alright /Alright it's alright /

My response... (Gosh...look at that picture, what a beauty)
Dear John,
Better days have certainly come/ The sun you pray to see is in your palm/ Life's all good now the rain is gone/ The cloudy sky's opened up to a blue one/ Let your heart no longer doubt/Seeing is believing/That fall from heaven didn't hurt/cos I landed right in your arms/ You've been rocking my world since then/

He wrote back ...
Baby since the day you came into my life/You made me realize that we were born to fly/
You showed me everyday new possibilities /You proved my fantasies of love could really be/
Let's go to a place only lovers go/To a spot that we've never known /To the top of the clouds we're floating away yeah/Ooh this feels so crazy /Oh this love is blazing/Baby we're so high/Walking on cloud 9/(You've got me up so high) So high /(My shoes are scraping the sky) So high/(You've got me up so high) Oh /(My shoes are scraping the sky) /Maybe later we can go up to the moon /Or sail among the stars before the night is through /And when morning comes we'll see the sun is not so far /And we can't get much closer to God than where we are /

My response...(He in church...gotta love a man who loves God)
Dear John,
The day you came into my life I found my wings/ We reached new heights/ beyond what life's promised/ True love does exist/ With you it's bliss/ In your eyes lie the windows to your soul/ that's where I want to lay and play/ Forget cloud nine, the moon and the stars/ You are mine and I'm yours and God's cool with that.
Dressed and looking too darned good in his custom designed Armani and me in my Carolina Herrera gown (photo available upon request) on our wedding day he reads me this vow....
My dear Addy,
We've been together for a while now/We're growing stronger everyday now/It feels so good and there's no doubt/I will stay with you as each morning brings sunrise/And the flowers bloom in springtime/All my love you can rely/And I'll stay with you/ I'll stay with you through the ups and the downs/ I'll stay with you when no one else is around /And when the dark clouds arrive/I will stay by your side/I know we'll be alright/I will stay with you/Though relationships can get old/They had a tendency to grow cold/We have something like miracle/Yeah, I'll stay with you /And there will be heartaches and pains, yes it will /But through it all, we will remain/In this life, we all know /Friends may come, they may go /Through the years I know/I will stay /And in the end I know that we'll find /Love so beautiful and divine /We'll be lovers for the lifetime, yeah /And I'll stay with you/ So will you honor me in taking me as your hus......
5:30 am Thursday Morning.
DARN IT!!!! That was only just a DREAM!!!?!!! Kai ...this means another Valentine's Day of pilllow hugging. Oh well I got my CD though. By the way I am so proud of you John, even though I did not put a penny towards that CD(don't worry I'll pay for the next one) I love you ... ROCK ON BOI!!!!!( I hope your publicist sees this and hollas at your # 1 FAN)

Monday, February 06, 2006


LA is my kinda town....Just FABULOUS

Finally, my search is over. I found America. The America that I dreamt about. The America that I saw in the movies. The America in Pretty Woman. The America in Beverly Hills 90210. The America that is read about in Sweet Valley's. The America that Dee and Claire lived in Clueless. I saw the sign for Melrose Place and Beverly Hills. As in you don't need to have been there ever to have a dejavu moment. Driving me down Sunset was the biggest mistake ever. It's like putting sugar on my lips and asking me not to lick. All the fabulousness was too overwhelming, even dogs were fabulous. This one chihuahua was deck from head to toe. As in I understand clothes and all, but doggie timberlands? Pink for that matter. C'mon now, I know ya'll have money and time but it's not that serious.

Anyways a friend took me out to dinner at some 'shishipua' (making up words) French restaurant on Sunset. Hmh... My people... That was HOLYWOOD O. I doubt that food digested properly because I was jut staring at people. They looked like they just stepped out of a movie or a magazine. Then we drove around a bit to see the town. Come and see house....What I you call 'ULO'... 'ILE'...that is ehn. I had to bring out the bush girl in me to appreciate all of that. You know how your new house girl from the village behaves when she sees a TV set for the first time. Think Nkemji on Checkmate. As in the konk igbo accent came out sharp sharp. Then talk about this one house that had Vipers of different colors in their front-yard. Then all the cars that were just flashing by. I have never seen so many Mercedes on one block in my entire life. UGBO!!!
I have not even started on all the nice shops with fabulous clothes that cost more than my paycheck. As in I have never been so jealous of a mannequin. Yes it was that serious... I wanted to hold them hostage and obtain their baffs (clothes). Now I know for sure that I have to find some friends to hang out with in LA, hopefully all that enjoyment when it comes will be on someone else tab (winking code lingo to the know everything). This Nne is on a budget, saving for a Mercedes Benz, a mansion in Beverly Hills and Lagos. Shooooo....Once in a while you just have to live in fantasy land and dream a little more than normal. Like we gotsa step up the game right about...shall we say yesterday. Well God dey... in Ibo land we say 'Onye Kwe Chi y'ekwe' which when broken down in the language of the colonial masters means 'when one agrees/decrees, God will also follow in agreement'. So I am claiming all of the above, I don't know about ya'll.

Meanwhile, my telephone buddy still has no idea I am on to him, at least not to my knowledge. He repeated the same fib that I had uncovered. I just chuckled and was like 'ehen', like I didn't know anything. At this point I don't even know if it is worth the trouble of confronting and asking questions like Inspector Gadget. Biko, who has time for that. Last time I pulled that stunt I got so angry I exerted all my energy in my dramatics and ended up in bed for a day or two. Not worth it at all. It's not like the truth will come out then.

Anyways my weekend was interesting and out of the norm. Drove to LA and back. On Sunday I got invited to a Superbowl get together. I then ended up playing 'Catch'. Yes my people 'Catch'. Imagine the sight, Adaure catching a fast approaching football, nails and all. At least this was with a football not a Frisbee. But don't sleep on my football skills O. I was throwing that ball better than a QB. It just brought back memories of throwing Javelin and Discus at sportscenter back in my ISL days. Speaking of which I stumbled on some pictures on some one's Hi-5 page. A picture from 1997 of KC boys basketball team. It was absolutely hilarious, and to think that back then we were swooning over these boys (many of whom were cute) when they all showed up to a match all wearing Chicago-Bulls jerseys....Kai memories that last a life time...LOL.. Wish I could post the picture but that'll be fapping.