Tuesday, December 06, 2005


this is an audio post - click to play

this is an audio post - click to play

"I ain't sayin' he's a soup-pot digga but he ain't messing with no pot burner." - K'Adaure West

I am sure some of you may have caught wind of the discussion going on on Nneka's Blog about cooking and hooking a man through his stomach . It's quite interesting and ya'll should check out some of the comments. Since I wrote an extemporaneous entry late last month about how much I hate cooking, not just because I don't know how to cook, but because I am a hazard in the kitchen, I have decided to take another stab at it with the wisdom I have culled from all and sundry. Here goes my conversation with my conscience, aka Nda, who speaks and thinks with an Igbo accent.... [Men this article about this old people's home will never get written o]

Ada: Woe is me!! I am doomed to perpetual spinsterhood and condemned to a life of eternal damnation as an old maiden. Chai!! [crying and biting my finger]

Nda: Bia who is that? Why the noise? Pesin die?

Ada: No o. Not yet at least.

Nda: Ehen? So why are you crying like somebody has kill ya fowl.

Ada: Just lamenting on the fact that my brideprice is not worth a common pot of soup.

Nda: Daz it? That's why you have now become the chief town-crier. Why not call all the animals and the spirits from the forest to come and follow you to cry. Ehn?

Ada: But it's true now. Have you not tasted my food. Even common egg...akwa... I cannot boil.

Nda: Hmh? Ada you are right. Sand is better than your cooking. I remember that beans that you cooked one time that all the beans disappeared. And the so-called shrimp and grits you made and put one of those spirits you call teddy-bear and called it gourmet. You didn't even use shrimp sef.

Ada: It was gourmet. That's what I ate at the Vogue party with Andre Leon Talley and I googled the recipe and decided to make it. Plus I couldn't use shrimp because I'm allergic.

Nda: Ehen....You are allergic to shrimp but you can eat Crayfish? But bia k'am ju kene...Let me ask.... When all ya mates were cooking 'nri-aja' [sand/play food] with 'kom-kom' [tin cans] what were you doing.

Ada: I followed them to cook now but only when we travel to the village. I was always getting in trouble for wasting palm oil and kerosene i'ld steal from the kitchen. I used hibiscus leaves and red sand to make draw-draw soup[ogbono] and if I managed to catch a small lizard or pigeon, would roast it and use it for meat.

Nda: No wonder.. You probably still cook like that. What about in school.. You people didn't have catering practical.

Ada: We did but my group always ended up making meat pie, moi-moi, egg sandwich, chin-chin and jam. I don't know why. But the good thing is that I am an expert chin-chin and moi-moi maker. If I was still in Nigeria i'ld probably be making my jam from the scratch.

Nda: Chin-chin, Jam and sandwich? Even the queen of England can't survive on that. God thing you know how to make moi-moi. Takes a lot of skills for that...washing the beans..grinding the beans..stirring it to the right consistency.. seasoning...wrapping it in leaves, foil or water-proof...strategically laying it into the pot of boiling water without bursting it and then staying awake to let it steam. I hail you for that.

Ada: Thank you but I just don't have the patience for that. Even if I did, is it moi-moi everyday... Ah ah.. That can cause 'otoro-shut-up' [ diarrhea]

Nda: Otoro is better than kwashiorkor. What about your mother didn't she teach you how to cook?

Ada: She did oh, but I didn't learn. I was playing basket ball o, riding bicycle, playing ten-ten with my friends or building sand castle.

Nda: That's good for you. Nto ehn!! You are seeing it.. go and eat basket ball now. You were following boys..not so.

Ada: That's not true o. I didn't like boys when I was younger.

Nda: Oh Ho.. you didn't like boys.... you should be happy now that you have chased them off with your bad cooking.

Ada: How can I be happy? That means that I would become an old maiden for the rest of my life. Even if by mistake I hooked a man don't you think he will be suspicious if everyday I present him with Chinese or we are eating popcorn.

Nda: Not if he is chinese or likes to watch movie. That'll be normal for them. I think you should be worried that the will mistake your cooking for medicine/poison especially if the man is a Nigerian.

Ada: So what do I do. How do I solve this problem. I can manage by myself borrowing soup from my aunties and serving it to prospectus, but on the D-day of Igbankwu [wine-carrying] am I not supposed to serve my in-laws the soup I cooked. How can I escape that.

Nda: That's very simple, since they'll be going to your village for that, tell them there's was no cooking gas or kerosene in Orie-Mkpu market and since you are baby-America they cannot expect you to be blowing breeze on the firewood. Your hair can catch fire.

Ada: You are right.

Nda: Meanwhile, tell your father to prolong the ceremony, that should give you a chance to learn how to cook from the old women in your village. Since you already know how to kill lizard and fowl, that means killing a goat won't be a problem for you. The real challenge will be learning to cook with Ero [mushroom] and fooling the eater into thinking it is chicken.

Ada: Ehen...is that so?

Nda: Yes oh.... I am telling you. In fact considering that you barely have electricity in your village, that makes it even better. Cooking well in the dark or with lantern. It's because you are in America.. don't worry.. i give you two weeks in the village with one mama and you will cook better than the Maggi Kitchen Woman or even Martha Stewart.

Ada: You have a point. Does that then mean that I can use it to find a man.

Nda: You have to be careful who you tell you can cook. That will be an invitation for all kinds of men, including 'coke-roaches'. You can't allow everybody to taste your good cooking. It is like asking a goat to look after a tuber of yam and then asking questions when the yam disappears.

Ada: Ehen? Is that why before when I used to cook, all sorts of people used to ask to come over and eat and now I don't cook they have all disappeared.

Nda: That may be the case. But now that you have learnt the secrets go and use them and stop making all this noise you are making.

Ada: I will go and learn o.. I will even buy cook book.

Nda. E E mba.. not cookbook food, unless you want to marry onye-ocha [ white man]. Which Nigerian man will eat cook book food.

Ada: Sorry.. Ma bad. Thanks for the advice, I'll be on my way.

Nda: KAI!!! C'mon come back hia. Go and buy me McDonald's.. All this advice and common kola you cannot present. What kinda of wife are you going to be. E di [u are] useless, good for nothing but a flogging. Are you sure you are not supposed to be sister [nun]. By the way make sure you Super Size it.


dazzliing said...

Hahaha..that was a funny dialogue. I am adding you to my blog links.

eediva said...

lol at least you speak Ibo!
I don't :( not very well at least.

Nneka's World said...

That was just to funny, you are one crazy girl, cookbook lol!
Anyway my dear, dont worry, eh!
Start with stew first, then progress to soup and you will be alright.
To be honest its not the cooking, its the waiting around for the food to cook.
Patience is a virtue

mumbo sauce--the new pink said...

LMAO!!! Seeing my mama's Igbo, I almost died reading this.

uknaija said...

Dis girl, you dey craze o ! I was just laughing....by de way I hope say de waka wey you talk say you dey waka waka well o!

Anonymous said...

Gosh this girl you are an official psycho. Habayanastics how far!? I used to laugh but now I want to take pity and give you cooking, hair and makeup tips.

Anonymous said...

LOL...I've been getting into trouble since i started reading u blogs. Am totally addicted!! U are one hilarious babe and certified joke!! Keep it up!!

Nse said...

You had me laughing for real...I'm supposed to be pulling an all-nighter for an exam o! But instead I've been reading your blogs. Your igbo-accent alter ego tells it like it is...

SEO said...

液压升降机,苏州升降机,苏州升降机厂,苏州升降机有限公司,施工升降机,丝杆升降机,液压升降平台,电动升降平台,天津升降平台,液压升降平台车,升降平台车,沈阳升降平台,天津登车桥,液压登车桥,移动式登车桥,移动登车桥,移动式液压登车桥,固定式液压登车桥,超市货架,北京货架,南京货架,货架公司,货架厂,广州货架,塑料托盘价格,山东塑料托盘,求购塑料托盘,北京塑料托盘,苏州塑料托盘 ,宁波塑料托盘,折叠式仓储笼,天津仓储笼,苏州仓储笼,南京仓储笼。南京货架,南京货架厂,南京货架公司|上海货架,上海货架厂,上海货架公司|无锡货架,无锡货架厂,无锡货架公司|苏州货架,苏州货架厂,苏州货架公司|北京货架,北京货架厂,北京货架公司|货架公司,北京货架公司,宁波货架公司|广州货架,广州货架厂,广州货架公司|服装货架,服装货架设计,广州服装货架|超市货架,北京超市货架,上海超市货架|仓储货架,北京仓储货架,上海仓储货架|托盘货架,重型托盘货架,托盘货架公司|货架厂,广州货架厂,北京货架厂|仓库货架,北京仓库货架,上海仓库货架|深圳货架,深圳货架厂,深圳货架公司|重型货架,次重型货架,成都重型货架|精品货架,北京精品货架,广州精品货架|天津货架,天津货架厂,天津货架公司|角钢货架,角钢货架厂,万能角钢货架|沈阳货架,沈阳仓储货架,沈阳货架公司|青岛货架,青岛货架公司,青岛仓储货架|轻型货架,北京轻型货架,角钢轻型货架|山东货架,山东货架厂,山东货架公司|杭州货架,杭州货架厂,杭州货架公司|中型货架,上海中型货架,广州中型货架|济南货架,济南货架厂,济南货架公司|郑州货架,郑州货架厂,郑州货架公司|展示货架,上海展示货架,产品展示货架|库房货架,货架厂,北京库房货架|武汉货架,武汉货架厂,武汉货架公司|河南货架,河南货架厂,河南货架公司|货架设计,仓库货架设计,货架设计公司|不锈钢货架,深圳不锈钢货架,上海不锈钢货架|阁楼货架,阁楼式货架,阁楼货架公司|移动货架,电动移动货架,北京移动货架|物流货架,上海物流货架,仓储物流货架|佛山货架,佛山货架厂,佛山货架公司|定做货架,杭州定做货架,天津定做货架|江门货架,贯通式货架,防静电货架|宁波货架,宁波货架厂,宁波货架公司|石家庄货架,石家庄货架厂,石家庄货架公司|重庆货架,重庆货架厂,重庆货架公司|河北货架,河北货架厂,河北货架公司|哈尔滨货架,哈尔滨货架厂,哈尔滨货架公司|悬臂货架,悬臂式货架|图书货架,广东图书货架,深圳图书货架|浙江货架,浙江货架厂,浙江货架公司|货架制作,北京货架制作,上海货架制作|西安货架,西安货架厂,西安货架公司|木托盘,上海木托盘,天津木托盘|北京塑料托盘,苏州塑料托盘,宁波塑料托盘|上海塑料托盘,广东塑料托盘,青岛塑料托盘|武汉塑料托盘,山东塑料托盘,南京塑料托盘|钢制料箱,折叠式料箱,网格式料箱|上海仓储笼,南京仓储笼,天津仓储笼|仓储笼图片,折叠仓储笼,折叠式仓储笼|北京仓储笼,广州仓储笼,宁波仓储笼|货架|托盘|料箱|仓储笼|手推车|登高车|置物架|垃圾桶