Saturday, December 10, 2005

I DEY GO CALI O

LISTEN TO THIS ENTRY
this is an audio post - click to play

this is an audio post - click to play
Baba God no Sleep, im jus throway face


Kontri People, Una Do O!

How Market? E be like say na pidgin I go folo yarn una the kain tori wey don chase sleep comot for my eye. If na for Bini I dey, dem go talk say na winch I dey chop, after all wetin pesin wey no be spirit go dey do for 2 O' Clock. All the shade sef wey dey Oba Market go for don dey open by now. But how for do o, na America wey dey. I be wan say na the drink and melecin when i swallow today na im dey do my body joli-joli. But if I talk dat one my nose fit dey like Pinokyo own becos 'you han hi' sabi say no be de tin wey dey worry me.

I decide say na pidgin I folo knack dis one jus for the sake of say my oga dem fit jam us for this page as ween dey yarn. Our elder talk say pikin wey bite im mama breast, hunger never cash am. Una sabi say I lepa no be small. Hmh. Not to say I wan talk the one wey my ogas no go like, but I no wan de one wey dem go take say my face too woh-woh. Biko O! Make I take cover. Nicon cares no dey dis side and Man pikin no sabi where Osanobua go carrey me go. But all dat wan na tori for side, make begin knack the real tori o. Hmh. My people dis Oghene wen we dey sarve 'His a living Gorr-O'. Make una no mind the kind yeye tins wey dey happen sometimes, na devil dey try play some small funny wayo sometimes. The guy na useless fellow.

So I been tell una say e get job like dat for 'Obodo-Schwazzeneger' wen I write appliquay put. Say Oga-pata-pata sack Oga-Junior. Hmh. Me an Oga-Junior been dey yarn reach one month o. Na so I come hear the gist, my belle come turn. I say I no fit gree o. How dis kain tin go happen. Bobbies, na so carrey Samsung press Oga pata-pata number. I for flash de guy becos daytime credit don finish dey reach double negative but i bone like kpako pikn. As I diel reach one nice sounding oyibo giel come ansa phone. I begin folo am yarn say dem fock-hup with dat nonsense move o. Say dem for don wait make thum-preent dry for paper before dem for sack Oga-Junior. Na so the babe come say Ok make I send am my CV and all the pesins wey sabi me for de e-main again make im look am. Like say na joke oh another nice sounding oyibo giel come call me for where i dey work. I come hex-cuse my self go baff-room before secret go leak say I get that kain call. She come begin dey ask me question like where F-B-I dey hinterogate Osama. One shakara lady for work come enter baff-room, na so I come say eh, secret go expose, but I just bone preten say na hinternational call. Sha sha, before I fit say OgeneBeGodO, na so de woman don begin call everybory wen I gif am, come say dem wan make I come do hintaview for there. Sharp sharp she don buy ticket for hintanet send am e-main.

Kontri people dis wan pass my handikraft o. As in small thing I been wan begin dey vex for God say the Guy no wan look my side for 'Too-Towsonan-Five. To the point wey I don become mechanik wey dey hook battery head to start moto and unhook am wen I pak. Wetin, I for do, de fan no gree stop. Anyways I don even gif Am one ultimatum after anoda includin say if im no produce blessing I fit defect go Allahuakbar. The Guy sabi say dat one na jazz i dey talk.

Anyways to dinesect tori for belle, I dey comot town for Sunday afternoon. I go return for Tuesday. I belief say na me get dat work but still, make una helep me pray say dem go gif me plenty money and jara. Meanwhile, me and my oga dem get yarns the following dey wen I return. E be like say dem fit gif me promotion. Plus that AP test wen I take dey easy no be small tin. Sometimes I fit foolish small. E get on question like this wen dem ask ' who be BTK' na so I almost ansa say na dat black-boy-band wey sing 'Uh Huh'....B2K. Abeg folo me laff. But i sabi say I pass oh.

I talk say me I no get hand in dis one at all. I go dey continue my prayer to Chineke say make im make my face dey extra fine dat Monday wen waka enta office. Make dem no see de pimple wey dey my face. Make my cloth no rumple at all. Make coke-croach no comot for my bag. Make my english no be like de won wey Omata boys dey follow sell. Make E better pass queen own sef. Make I wake up early and remember all de tins wey i read. Make my handshake get grip. Make my enemies and my mama and papa enemies and my granpa and granma enemies too, no even sabi say I dey at all....cha cha. In fact I declare dem null and void. Make Jesus sef follow me waka, do de interview... na so im light go jus dey blind de people say dem no go even sabi when dem go sign the company over sef. Kontri People, dat wan na ogbonge prayer be dat o. Abeg make una say a big Amen O.

Anyways, I go gee una de tori wen I return. By de grace of God una go fit come ho'idays for where I go dey. I hear say de temprasho sef be like say na Ekpoma. Eye go jam for anoda day, make I go sleep jare. Four for morrin don already knack, fowl go soon dey shout. Hehe! Oyibo say na 'Cock-Crow' but una sabi say de tin dem dey talk na 'kuku-roo-koo'....

(clearly too much Nights of a Thousand Laffs)

6 comments:

Nneka's World said...

GOODLUCK, MYDEAR, WILL PRAY FOR YOU!

Anonymous said...

dis na wa o. man pikin dey roll wit laughter. Chineke don do am. Hin don butter ya bread

S

TRAE said...

it's cool to know u're proud of Nigerian pidgin english, but the language is definately a no-no when making long enteries. for a start its very difficult to read. i couldn't even skim/scan the post with ease.

anyways i love your sense of humour...and the audio thing.

Anonymous said...

It took me a while to read it but I think i get the gist. The almighty God will direct ur steps. You will meet with God and Man's favor. Take care!

Anthony Arojojoye said...

That was very cool.

I folo join tok big AMEN to dat one oh.

Adaure said...

Once in a while I try to laugh at myself too so I am glad you guys enjoyed my little theatrics... by the way that was Rukeme....one of my very many personalities...lol