Monday, July 24, 2006
Saturday, July 22, 2006
I've decide to spare ya'll of any more wedding stuff so if you want to see any of the new webbies you may have to go through the comment section. Anyways this post is a collection of some random moments in weekend.
Addy Discovers the Oven.
So I have lived in this house for six months now and only just discovered the oven, how to use it and also how to bake. My oven adventures in the past have been limited to some attempts at BBQ chicken, steak, potatoes and cake (naija days). I am told those turned out ok. Other mishaps have included baking my water-logged jollof rice and beans. But this time around, I really out did myself o. I went and bought some frozen fish fillet and boneless chicken breast. Long-throat was making me feel like buying shrimp but I had to think about the swollen eyes I would have to deal with for two days if I did. So I seasoned the fish and chopped some onions and tomato and broccoli, wrapped it in foil and and threw it into the oven. Daaaannnggg!!!! I can't wait to serve this to 'Mr. Right' when he shows up. This is about to be my signature.
Addy Plays Molly Maid
So I decided to stay home today and try to do some cleaning. Planne on washing my car today but someone stole the garden hose so I have to go and dash Mobil $7 for a 'haphazz' machine wash that leave streaks and spots. But good choice because it was 115 degrees outside today. In the mean time I cleaned my room and arranged my closet. The closet is still under construction so I shall continue that on Sunday. I also have a suitcase that I threw in all my mail and junk that need to be sorted out and also did laundry. As I was sorting my closet, I realize how 'stuck-on-brown' I have become. Not just in clothes but most especially in shoes. I have 12 pairs of brown shoes and yesterday I bought another. I think this is the psychological effect from wearing and earnesly searching for 'Brown sandals and shoes' while going to school in Nigeria. Funny thing is that when I see a pair of nice brown shoes I always go 'Damn wish I was back in ISL'. Lol.. ya'll know waht I am talking about. You know how it is on the first day back from August break especially, everybody is always checking out the new shoes. For a long time I swore that I would never buy another pair of brown shoes but now I just can't seem to put them down. That's another thing I need to discuss with my shrink when we meet about the other issue, the website stalking.
Addy Rethinks her Wedding Plan
I know I said I would stay off teh wedidng topic but I had an epiphany today that I just have to write about. For the past... oh say....may be 4 years, I have had my wedding plan down. Lately I have had the luxury to throw in a few things as I wait for God to throw in the 'groom', his friends and family into the mix. But as I admiring some other wedding pictures and aso-ebi colors, it hit me like a lightening bolt that my plan had been so totally messed up. Like OMG. So my plan was built with an EX in mind and without his consultation or knowledge (I guess now he knows). This is all me creating plans just because and not to mention without the question not to talk of ring. Very typically Adaure. Anyways the plan was to have the brides side in Duke Blue and Carolina Blue (him and me) and the grooms side in Yellow and Green (Berkeley and ISL). Do ya'll feel my drift here, the color choices held some sentimental value so you now see where the problem comes in and how the color scheme will now be messed up. And imagine if 'Mr Right' shows up saying his favorite color is something crazy, like 'orange' or some Crayoloa mess. God forbid he went to NC State and decides he wants 'Red'. I mean really, what the HECK is that. Horrible combinations those will make. The bridal train has to stay Carolina Blue (I'll do away with the sentimental Navy blue sash and indigo-dyed white roses) or Turquoise at least otherwise I am going to just go to a freaking registry. What's worse than a potential Bridezilla finding out her wedding plan is not going to go as planned. I guess I'll work in the kinks when 'Mr. Right' shows up. I just hope he at least likes Purple. I can throw that in with Green and I'll just stick with my shades of blue because combining any other color other than navy will be just wack. My shrink will have a field time with my file and shrinking my bank acocunt too.
Addy Get of You Tube and Phone Home
I have been having an 'E.T' moment and missing home badly. So I am about to get on the phone to call my family, just waiting for them to wake up and start getting ready for church before I call. Meanwhile as everybody else is blogging on the You Tube level me sef wan blog my own o. I have been comforting myself with some Nigerian music videos via the infamous You Tube as I tend to end up doing on Saturdays and Sundays when I am home alone and have no book or bible chapter to read. That site is DA BOMB!! As in I won't lie about the fact that sometimes I have nothing better to do, even though I try to act it. But there's some good stuff on that site. I have watched several documentaries and short films and seen stuff from Iraq and the current wahala in Isreal and Lebanon. That stuff is BETTER THAN MTV. Thinking about it, I should upload some of my stuf ftoo..hmh.. I sit on that one. Anyways I am sure ya'll have seen Lagbaja's video 'Never Far Away.' Isn't that song, and the video, just TOO BAD. I mean Lagbaja never disappoints, but he over did and out did himself in this one. I wish we'ld see more Nigerian videos like this. Speaking of seeing, I understand that when asked when he will reveal his face, he said 'When the average Nigerian can afford food.' Now is that not a very power-filled statement. I know he said he aint no Fela but man does that sound like something Fela would say. Visit his website at http://www.lagbaja.com (yeee the u-tube thingy finally worked... i can be so retarded some times).
Also found this really funny video... at least it was funny to me, dunno bout you
Yeah Yeah... i know... I really need to get out of Santa Maria more often before I go OFFICIALLY CRAZY!!!!! Oh well may be a trip to LA will do the trick. Speaking of which check out the new issue of www.nigerianentertainment.com. There's a bunch of interesting artists profiled and interviewed in this 'Hip-Hop' issue like Sauce Kid and Wale Oyejide. I was like Omo I am very green and uninformed when it comes to certain aspects of Nigerian entertainment. Much of which had to do with my anti-hip-hop-machine-taking-over-drums phase. Now I guess I have heard so much of it that I am like 'Oh well If you can't beat them might as well join them'. However I do pick and choose and some of the stuff coming out is actually good stuff. But while you are one the website, abeg branch look my article on Oris Ehruero from the HBO movie on Rwanda 'Sometimes in April' and make sure you leave a note in the comment section. That's all for now. I never baff today and night don come so make I go baff before my B.O will kill all my roommates. PEACE!!
Sunday, July 09, 2006
YIPPIEE!!!! I have survived in the blogspot blogosphere for one year and so far it has been a fun and thrilling journey. At first I started out trying to be all serious and using this as another medium to display my professional journalistic prowess. Trying to bring my work home with me and keep my personal life out of the mix. Who was I trying to impress. Abeg, Abeg that plan did not fly. Why try to outfox Fox. Just because I love the news so much doesn't mean I need to bore people with it. So it goes without saying that I have grown as a blogger. I have found my niche in this blog thing and that is to be myself, which for the most part is funny, unassuming and 'censored' (when it comes to certain matters). I have presented myself and parts of my life to a willing and welcoming audience that has been non judgmental and that has made me more comfortable about blogging. Thanks for that and I hope I have not spoken too soon. The first part of this blog turned out to be about me venting out a lot of my frustrations but the past six months it has really been an outlet for me to access the 'outside world'. Considering that I am now on th west coast and the time difference being a huge barrier, this has been how I update my friends and family in Nigeria on what's going on with me. This has also been gossip central for me, as has the rest of the blog world. I have been 'coding' some gist on here and I am surprised that I am yet to be called out by the parties involved and the parties in the know(neither has my family disowned me for exposing all our secrets). Lord knows I have been expecting to be 'kobaed' and have been preparing my defense strategy but I guess I don't have to employ i t just yet. Hmh...but sha sha let me just go ahead and say thanks for not casting my black butt.
My writing 'on my feet' or should I say 'butt' has improved and my thoughts are written out better these days. However I am not sure if I should take some of the comments seriously because I am not sure if I am that good of a writer to be getting the sorts of extolling emails. But if you guys say so, perhaps I will chennel the energy I use in blogging towards some money making scheme. That is make ya'll go to Amazon and Borders to buy my book. Speaking of which, how about I have already pick out the cover without completing the 3rd chapter. Skewed priorities. Anyways thanks for the love, glad I can entertain you with my boring but some what comical life. Make sure you are senidng this link to everybody you know because when I look for the next job, whatever that may be, I will be using the 'hits-tracker' to gather more zeros citing 'internet clout' and 'online celebrity'. Hmh ...have you people forgotten that I am a proper Igbo girl. Oh well here's to more enjoyable blogging days and topics. It's been real so far. I am off to continue watching Dave Chapelle The Lost Episodes. While I apologise for this moment of self-absorbtion and serendipity, I present to you below a collection of interesting posts that I enjoyed writing, that meant a lot to me or gathered a lot of comments. This is a precurser to the 'Best of According to Adaure List' and a guide for the new readers just joining us in the last quarter . I doubt ya'll have read through every blog. If you have 'You are Hard o'. If your 'Best of According to Adaure' is missing please include it in the comment section. See me really feeling like a star. Oh well the title of the blog is the World According to Adaure isn't it? And in that world there's only one star ya'll and you guessed it...MOI!!!! Lol. I planned to debut the 2nd year with a new template and all that ish but biko that is too much work so for now just manage the old look and new picture till I gather my wits to update.
Friday, July 07, 2006
Today marks the one year anniversary of my weblogazine, my 9th year in the United States and the one year anniversary of the London Bombings that killed 52 people
(http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/shared/spl/hi/uk/05/london_blasts/victims/default.stm) including 26 year old Anthony Fatayi-Williams who was a friend to many. His loss was tragic home hit for many of us Nigerians in the diaspora and of course at home. Though I didn't know him personally he was a friend some of my friends and acquintances.
His mother Mrs Fatayi-Williams is remembering her only son with this book For the Love of Anthony
You can read the first post 'The Nigerian Face in the War on Terrorism' here (http://according2adaure.blogspot.com/2005/07/nigerian-face-in-war-on-terrorism.html).
Today we pause to remember Anthony, the other victims and those innocent people who have died and continue to die in the hands of callous people who use religion and other tools of politics as a guise. Let's also pray that God would find a solution to this problem in our life time so that the world can become a safer place for us and our children.
This comment section will be silent today in their honor. I'll be back tomorrow.
Wednesday, July 05, 2006
Kontri People make una see me see wahala. Shey you people are seeing how people look for trouble any how. So North Korea decided to test missiles yesterday. Why did they choose to do it on America's Independence day and after the Shuttle launch. What is the meaning of that? That is like the girl who stole my boyfriend coming to my face and waving the diamond ring in my face and expecting me not to bite off her finger. The other thing is that they didn't just launch one or two, but SEVEN. A whole seven missiles. That is a pure declaration of outright aggression if not war. And the funny thing, which is not very funny if you think about it is the fact that I live 15-20 minutes away from their number one target. Vandenberg Airforce base is where the interceptor missile is based, so whenever North Korea is ready, that's the place they will take out first. Hopefully they will not launch some Hiroshima, Nagasaki or Kawasaki type bomb that will clean from here to LA. If that is the case ya'll, I am a goner o. Tell my people to go and cash the money in my account at Bank of America and use it to give offering at church.
But I wonder why they are looking for trouble like this? Has Osama sent them? When America lands with their 'Shock and Awe' arsenal now, people will start crying 'oh america is this, america is that...blah blah blah'. As the dancers in the Things Fall Apart movie were singing 'Onye apala nwa agu aka n'odu, m'odi ndu, m'onwuru anwu' meaning, "don't touch the tail or a lion whether it is dead or alive'. Especially when that lion is George Bush, ya'll know he will not hesitate to anhialate North Korea. Left for the guy Aghanistan and Iraq would be off the map, but for politics. Anyways I just said let me just let ya'll know the ramafications of these missile launching for me. This might be an incentive to findmy square root sooner or later if these launches continue. Me I no like wahala, make I comot jejely and go back to my village abeg. At least there I know the only missiles that can be lauched from the sky are the heavy hot pellets (not drops o) of rain that feel like stones.
Sunday, July 02, 2006
HOMEWRECKER AND HEART BREAKER ALERT
So I wrote this post below 4 days ago but didn't post it because I needed to flesh it out. But I just saw something that really made it too relevant to continue fleshing out. Right about now I am just plain MAD, LIVID and to think that I got scooped by a fellow naija sista. Men you've gotta keep these women away from you man. And to think she's another skinny biatch too. Gawd I hate skinny women... they are EVIL!!!! EVVVVEEEEEIIIILLLLL!!!!
So today I was minding my business and I decide to check out the 'new chick on the blog' Miss Bella Naija. How about I saw some model chick hugging up all over my man, John Legend. Then reading further, I see that they are dating and ya'll said he was GAY? ARRGGGHHH!!! Take a knife and just chop, chop, chop my heart up into tiny peices and feed it to the alligators. Why can't these women leave my men alone. And why can't I keep a man, not even in my fantasy, that's gotta be a problem. Once bitten, Twice shy, but three times...that's it.. I am gay from now on. By the way Bella good looking out sistuh gurl. He thought because he was on the other side of town doing the dirt he do, that i don't have to know huh. OMG!!! I am so having a fit right now. I don't think I can listen to his cd anymore. Not after the betrayal....awwwww the heart ache....Why Me!!!! I am a scorned woman now that I've been jilted by John Legend. Awww just take a look at them... they're so cute they make me sick.
Urgh I am going barf out all the gummi bears I have been eating now. Thanks a lot Tayo.... Thanks for NOOOTHING!!!! Awwww my days....I can't take it any more. I CANT'T TAKE IT !!!!!!!!!!! I am going to cry my eyes out till blood starts coming out. By the way Johny you'll be back singing track #6 "You can't say I don't love you just becos I cheated on you." By then you'ld have lost your chance to Shemar Moore. Ya'll enjoy this picture while it is up because I will not promote this asunder. URGH... I just wanna pull her hair!
BACK TO THE REAL TOPIC
With the recent wave of strictly by invitation weddings, the lifestyle of a certain category of people has been suffering. We all know them, the wedidng crashers. We all know ourselves, we've been that person at one point or the other. In fact it is a normal practice that comes with the territory of just being Nigerian. We love to party and how can you prevent us from doing that just in the name of privacy or 'preeveecee' as our colomasters and victorian nigerians (what an oxymoron) call it. By the way what would the throngs of beautiful and some times vain single Nigerian ladies do for fun on a Saturday. Sometimes these things are just an outlet for us to exercise our vices. We also know weddings are the best places to be seen and 'scoped out'. Why else do you think there are more ladies at weddings. They were not all asked to be in the Ashoebi group you know. Some just join in because they are a friend of a friend of a friend of the bride or because the lace or ankara is fine and they have to rock along.
Then there are the ones who happen upon the wedding and just decide to branch in as they would to a relatives house. Then there are the ones who just go to witness the occasion so that they can relay the information in form of gisting.
But the term wedding crasher can also mean something very different. There are some guests that can be a major headache for the couple. These guests are the ones that cause the bride to just start weeping because they are about to crash this lifelong awaited event with their nasty attitudes and bad belle.
For example the unfriendly looking mother/aunty-in-law-to-be who's sitting in the front pew rolling her eyes at the bride-to-be. We all know that she is pissed off because her only son/nephew decided to marry a girl from another tribe. Not to mention that the girl likes the finers things so automatically she has come to chop all his money before they get to enjoy the fruit of their labour. God save this bride if she doesn't kneel to feed her husband the cake. You may just have armed the battalion of mean aunties with battle ammo for the entire duration of the marriage.
Then you have the father-in-law-to-be who is gnashing his teeth, wishing for a double barrel and saying to himself, 'But for Jesus....' Poor groom got on dad's bad side for impregnating his little girl. Now she is waddling down the aisle in an Ivory colored dress instead of white. Not to mention the aunty that you have relieved off all aunty duties because of her cacophonic behaviour but didn't tell her. And you are surprised that she beat up the cook over a bowl of peppersoup. I will not reveal which situation happened in my family but ya'll know your family ain't full of saints.
However one particular set of wedding crashers brings in more misery, panic and the chilling effect of the northern harmattan wind as the Jilted or Jealous Ex-Lover. This what I call the JXL or the JEL factor also know as the 'EX-Factor Reloaded'. This character is worse when it is a scorned angry woman(see Addy vs Tayo Otiti above). Sometimes the jilted or the Ex is not always jealous and have come to terms with the divine destiny that they are about to witness. But the jealous one is another story and I have been hearing some stories. Well let me give you the gist.
So one Amaka babe like that was dating one Chinedu bloke like that. Things were not going so they broke up. Amaka was either still licking her wound or just recovering from the relationship and adjusting to her new life of singledom. When her friend tells her that her ex boyfriend Chinedu who she dated for some odd years was getting married only 6 months after they broke up. Hmh...knowing and calculating all the investments that she made, need I say more about how Amaka feels.
Then there was one Emeka bloke like that who is loving one Nkechi babe like that. This bloke is quoting Shakespeare, wining and dining this babe. He has even name all the 5 children that she will have for him. Babe tells bloke she is going to do NYSC in Lagos and is gone for a few weeks with no word. Next thing a letter comes in the mail with an invitation to his best friends wedding and a letter from Nkechi inside that begins, "Dear Emmy, I am sorry but...doxology". Hmh...I imagine Emeka was not popping bubblies for his 'friends'.
Depending on the demure of Amaka and Emeka and their proximity to the precious bleeding side of the Lamb, there is every probability that someone could be rushed to the hospital for some 'Veeky and Sunita' type reconstructive surgery after an acid bath or bundled away half naked in a black maria. My people na tori i dey 'intaprint'
Being the 'Amebo' that I am, as I learned from the local police chief, when I go to some weddings, I try to peek in the crowd and guess who could fall under this category. You may be able to tell by the look on their faces and their body language, especially when the priest utters that favorite sentence, 'Who here says we should not join these two together, speak now or forever hold your peace'. With all the sneezing and coughing that goes on like a choir on cue, one would think everyone just suddenly came down with the Flu. God forbid that all the fine fine babes start getting up at that moment to excuse themselves to the toilet...Ginika, Yeside, Halimat, Ekaite and Ejiro. Let's not even talk about the Iyabos and Ngozis, correct area skata type girls that get up and say, "Your lordship I have a confession to make," as if they are in court. "I have evidence to show why the groom and the bride should not be united in Holy matrimony..." At this point the story can either be, they did the hump the night before or that he abandonded his real wife to go to school in America only to return with another woman. My people na tori o.
Anyways I have just been seeing and enjoying all the wedding websites and as one of my colorful commentators in the comment section, 'Parazone Super Bleach' pointed out, I imagine there are quite a number of wedding-crashers-to-be out there. Girls that don't appreciate being the girl before te ring, brodas that are saying damn why didn't I just do it then. Don't worry sistahs and brodas, you are not alone, I can relate. Some of you are looking and browsing and saying, 'What the freaking hell, how could he/she' but you just carry on like a bigger chick/bloke, unphased like nothing is up. Who are you fooling. You know you really want to vent and rain a tirade of abuses. You know that even if you were probably going to say a big fat NO, you wanted the opportunity to say NO. It just sounds better that way when it comes time to re-telling the story. SOme of you are saying Urgh.. that cheeky basket got one over me this time. But that's cool though, that's life. Can't win 'em all. In fact good riddiance to bad rubbish, he/she was cramping my style anyways and they even fit each other.
However, the question of whether to crash or not continues to pang inside your head. If you don't show they will say you are still bitter and hating. If you show they might say you just came to do bad belle. Some say you have to go looking hotter than Halle Berry, Agbani, Bianca Ojukwu and Modupe Ozolua combined in one Deola Sagoe package and stare the groom down like "I know what you did last summer." (Guys I dunno what you can equate to that)Especially if you didn't get an invitation. Others say why the heck do you want to put yourself through such emotional trauma and what will that prove.
So that basically means that I may not be going to John and Tayo's wedding because I will straight up rip that veil out of her head and jump her. I can manage it if he left with a caucasian girl or an african american, but another Nigerian girl THAT I AM WAY WAY CUTER THAN!!! URGH Johny c'mon now. No hating just keeping it real.. ok... I HATE HER!!!!! I am going to go sleep now and wake up and see it's all a dream, a very bad bad dream. What do you think, I'ld be smiling and saying 'Cogratulations J and T'? Awwww heeeelllll naaaaaa!!!!! I already picked the names of our kids.
Saturday, July 01, 2006
They come in different flavours and colors and they melt in your mouth so divinely. I have a confession to make. I have been meaning to make this confession but I have been in denial. So today I am coming to terms with my addiction as the first step in curing myself.
My name is Adaure Achumba and I am addicted to Gummi Bears.
All day today I have not had anything to eat beacuse I have a bag of gummi bears right next to me. It is the last thing I eat before I sleep and the first thing I eat after brushing my teeth. I eat them all day at work and especially when I am stressed. Somedays when I am just too lazy to cook, which is two-thirds of the time, I shove a handful of gummi in my mouth and wash it down with a glass of water to balance the sugar level. Oh the sensation. It is better than you know what. When I dont have my gummi bears near by I begin to itch. I hadn't had them in a while since and so two weeks ago my actions in trying to get them proved that I needed help. I went to Walmart twice and they didn't have them and I was so upset. I ended up getting the store brand, the one you scoop from the little plastic containers. That's the worst kind, they taste so bad and they hurt my gums. So I managed that for two days. Unfortunately I had the last handful at like 9pm that night. How about I actually got dressed, got in my car and drove to Walmart to get a bag of gummis. I couldn't even wait to get to the cashier line before I opened it and started chewing. I thought to myself. Gosh Addy you really need therapy man. Then it happened again this week after I ran out of gummis. The cravings started coming and on my lunch break on Tuesday I went and got two bags and I tell you it is like crack. I just can't stop eating those things. I am chewing on them right now.
I know I am not the only one who is addicted. My friend Singto is also an addict, in fact she is the one who recruited me into the fold. Are you addicted to gummis and how can I stop because that stuff must be bad for you. I hope it wouldn't have to take me seeing gummi bears swimming in the toilet for me to know I need to quit. Hmh...thinking about it now I hope I don't see that because that will be really tear jerking. Imagine... just imagine
The Bowel Adventures of the Gummi Bears featuring Super Addy... an excerpt.
They had just been through an odious journey through the great stinky canal, but the misery was not over for the gummi bears .
Plop. You could see them, green, yellow, red and orange, swimming in the great white pool.
The big mean hand was reaching to pull the lever.
"Help!! Help!!" the poor sweet things cried in their little tiny voices.
"Please don't flsuh oh big mean hand."
But the big mean hand was just too darn mean.
"Flllllluuuuuuuusssshhhhhhh.... say goodbye gummi bears.. HA HA HA !!" The big mean voice of the big mean hand laughed loudly as the gummis cried for help.
Then suddenly...tan tantannnnnnaaaa naaaaaa. They look up in the air. No it's a bird...no it's a plane....no..no.. no... It's Super Addy.
Super Addy is coming to the rescue of the litt;e tiny gummi bears.
"I love Gummi bears and I have come to save them from the big mean hand," said Super Addy as she struck a pose in her Super Cape.
"Get away from the gummi bear you big mean hand."
"No never.. you will have to arm wrestle me before that can happen," said the big mean hand.
"Ok!?! so then what happens to the gumi bears, you did flush after you went right?"
"Yes I did but I have the power to pause the flushing. Some thing your fake superhero skinny butt knows nothing about. WOOO HAAAA." The big scary hand seemed to know a little bit of kung fu too.
"Ok then big mean hand, you are on, but I must warn you, do not under estimate the power of SUUUUPPPPERRR ADDY."
And so they began to arm wrestle.
Meanwhile the Gummis were still going round and round in circles. Arrrrrrrrggggghhhhhh!! You could hear them screaming. 'Help us Addy Save Us'
"I coming Gummi Bears, I am coming... just one more push and I'll teach this big mean hand a lesson." But the big mean hand was pretty strong.
"Wait A minute," said Super Addy. "I am a super hero, and I don't have to take orders from any body. I'm Super Adddyyyy"
Super Addy gave the big mean hand an upper cut, a hadoken, a flash kick and then a sonic boom... WHOOOO HHAAAAAAA. She learnt quite a bit from Ken and Ryu.
"You should have spent more time playing Street Fighters, big mean hand." Super Addy dusted her shoulders off and went to get the gummi bears out of the great white pool.
"Oh poor gummi bears are you ok?"
"Oh Thank you Super Addy. Thank you for saving us."
"Oh you are welcome, now I can wash you up, say a prayer and HAVE YOU FOR DINNER.. HA HA HA !!!"
"Oh no Super Addy is addicted to gummi bears too.. Arrrrrgggggghhhhhh!!!!"